I have been thinking and praying lately about my own disposition: one of always striving for something to invest myself in, looking for the next opportunity around the bend, figuring where I’ll be going in a month, in a year, in a decade. The options seem endless! The more educated I become, the more fascinated I am. Some of this is good– it’s what my husband lovingly calls my “Dream Big” capacity… which can be fabulous! I am admittedly a semi-absentminded dreamer. In the process, though, (when the wool is pulled over your eyes for a second) you can go from a dreamer to an over-achiever, or an individual who is incapable of using their own assets because they are spread so thinly. Finding yourself consistently spread much too thinly is like building a spaghetti bridge to the moon. It will not get you anywhere because you haven’t made that bridge thick enough. Its great that you have achieved the unthinkable! But…one step on that bridge, and you will break it for lack of substance.
And for me, when I come up seeing I’ve created this thin little bridge to a far off destination, it is a cry for a reassessment of the ways that I am spending my time. Where am I going with this basket of things? I am holding on to them for dear life!
This semester had been one of those big hurdles for me, those mountains that they speak of– “Ain’t no mountain high enough!” was not the exact theme song I would’ve picked to play while going through it. ”She’ll be comin’ round the mountain…” Surely not. This was a mountain of desperation. Of feeling lost. I hadn’t hardly any passion to dish out to my classes (the main factor that gets me studying & interested in discussion) and I felt a strain of pressure from the different roles I now possess as a student and a wife. Among other things, I also switched majors, so that I am once again pursuing Psych. The switch boggles the senses a bit, and sometimes makes you question your judgment.
Taking all of this into consideration, I have decided to go part time this coming semester. After prayer & many thoughts on the matter, my mind feels at ease. While I will have more time to take care of just “life” things instead of a large portion of school things, I have to be careful to attune myself to what is truly priority. This last year or so is vital for my direction, and I can only ask God for His. With a degree in Psych, there are many places you can go and interests to nurture. In my positions and stations in life, I don’t want to be bustling about as though my head were chopped off. One of my mantras has been “Wherever you are, be all there” a quote from Jim Elliot. Sometimes I took this my own way, and interpreted it to mean I shouldn’t go to class. Now I choose to realize that where I am, I have to make a choice & be intentional about being there. Instead of scattering myself everywhere, I think that the best course of action is to reach into my heart and pull out those things which have really put gripped my soul. He has created us to have desires, and we all have a significant and entirely unique purpose. I think it is one of the things that we have to remember when we feel we’ve lost our place.
The key is in learning to enjoy the course leading to that purpose, & not search madly for it, as I sometimes have. : )
Hope you’re having a fabulous day!