Tagged with pain …

Feb 13 2013
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Appreciation, Baby, Mommyhood, reflection, Relationships, Value, Womanhood

My Boy


This has been a really rough few weeks. Oh Lordy! I cannot begin to describe it. But as is usual, I would prefer to express myself in a different way anyhow. Even when the days are drag-down beat-up days, there is still so much I am thankful for.

Let me tell you, let me count the ways; My Boy is so unique and so particularly mine:

My boy is giggly, wiggly, snuggly and bright.

He has joy in his eyes, a spark of wonder–and light.

He can make me smile, even on the darkest day.

I couldn’t have imagined him, couldn’t have drawn him in a more perfect way.

He was designed, formed, planned.

He was created and molded. Gently, carefully by hand.

The days that get rough, days I can’t sleep…

The days I feel weak, like I’ll break down and weep…

On days when the house is a mess, the dog ran away…

Dinner was ruined and I’ve got nothing to say…

I remember the care that first brought him to life, I remember the joy as he first cried and cooed.

I recall how I gazed on his features and form.

His soft skin, his sweet face. How he smelled, looked–I was wooed!

I quickly realized my blessings and cards had been dealt– my new title of “Mom,” made me totally melt.

I would fall in love–such a love-laced heart attack!

Once you enter the world of a mother, you never once look back.

My Boy, you have changed me–because you are mine.

I am never going to be the same as I was, and that’s really just fine.

All my love,

-M

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Jan 09 2013
2 Comments
reflection, Value

Start the War


I’ve had a small cry today. But I feel a big one coming on. And I’m not embarrassed to say that it feels good, quite good. A release of all the emotions that I cannot really come to terms with in words through speech or writing, and through those tears I don’t have to. It all just comes pouring out.

We found out today that my hubby’s Grandma was taken to the ER last week and admitted, and that she has two forms of Cancer. She’s his last living grandparent, and if I ever knew an example of a hardworking, keeping busy and productive woman, she would be it. I don’t know her very well, but she has always been kind to me. Thinking back we have received so many little cards and letters in the mail from her, so thoughtful. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas. Kind.

And as I ponder this, I think about my own grandparents. I have one left, and she is fighting a battle with grief. This battle surprises me, as she is more stoic Japanese, more calm and reserved than most. But it has brought out many stories that she shares, and many emotions that I feel were hidden from long ago. Losing my grandpa has come on with waves of sorrow, for me. At times it feels as though he hasn’t left us at all, like maybe he’s just in another room or something…and then others there is a gaping wide hole in our family for loss of him. This holiday we certainly have had to try to keep our heads above water as we mourn and yet rejoice–we know that our loved ones can no longer share our lives with us, our memories with us, but they are with us in spirit. And they are in a far better heavenly realm than we have imagined. But this small amount of rejoicing really does not amount to the pain we feel. Having lost them in such short succession, hearing today that my husband’s grandmother may suffer the same fate leaves me feeling angry and devastated. You go on living your life, but you always hold some kind of a splinter in your heart feeling that you should’ve have more time with your loved ones. Maybe this is a sense of entitlement, but it just seems so wicked and cruel that they are taken so swiftly. In some cases it all happens in the blink of an eye, and you’re left empty-handed and without a companion.

Today I called my parents because I was upset to hear this news. My dad reminded me like he has a lot of times before, “But… we are never promised that this life will be easy.” What does that mean? It means that God allows the rain to fall on the just and the unjust. And as hard as that is to come to grips with, it serves as a solemn reminder to me that this world is not the created order that God intended. The rain falls, but it does not fall as it might have. Creation will be restored one day. A breath of fresh air will come, and sorrow will be no more. Oh how I long for heaven these days. I used to wonder at people who talked about heaven, thought about it, wrote about God’s glory and the majesty. Now I understand their pining for a place never seen. I feel in my soul that I belong somewhere else, and that the injustice of the pain in this world will be something I am glad to leave when my time comes.

This cancer makes me want to do something. I recently had the privilege of photographing a special event just for families and their kiddos dealing with childhood cancer. These little ones were so precious, so sweet. And to think that these families feel ten times more pain than I, because their little ones may not at all live out their lives. May not even scratch the surface of life before it is whisked away. This makes me want to spend time with those kids, to do more. To be more. To try to make some kind of change or difference. What is this that we’re dealing with? In the past months I can count five or six close relations who have been given terrible news of cancer, who are dealing with it, or who have passed because of it. That is far too much. So I want to start a war. I want to live my life trying to figure this out, and not only that, just live in a way where I cherish what I have, who I have, and the beauty of our days in a way that allows us to soak each other up. Because we know we aren’t promised this life will be easy, and we aren’t promised tomorrow. We have to have purpose and actually spend time with each other. We have to make our moments count. Value the opportunities for conversation and sharing in love and community. We have to decide to invest in people and invest in our times together, since we all take the normality for granted, because if we lose those people we want to have made it worth the most.

All my love,

-M

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Dec 05 2012
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Fitness, Nutrition, Family, Food Activism

New Diet: Think Again


Weightloss.  That’s what we all think about when it comes to dieting.  But I’m really not concerned with that right now.  After having August, breastfeeding has done a stellar job of taking me down to my normal weight–I just have to tone my pregnancy-induced muscle loss.  I feel pretty good about my bod, honestly.  However, my bod doesn’t always feel so great.  Much of the time, it hurts.

I’ve spoken about my issues with stress sometimes.  Not a whole lot, but when I’ve felt I should.  I mostly want to talk about it occasionally to allow others to know what I seek to know as well, “You are not alone.”  My hubby  knows how difficult it’s been for me, since he lives with me day-in and day-out.  He knows how deep it can run.  Most of it lies in the fact that I just seem to have inherited a set of genes prone to stress, anxiety, and depression. A set of genes that is sensitive.  Sorry if it’s TMI, but oh well–I get constipated after riding in a car for two or three hours.  That’s not normal.  I can not let go of problems, sometimes for years.  That’s NOT normal.  It runs in my family, as well as other neurotic behaviors and personality types.  In the winter, I get SAD.  In the summer and spring when it’s very sunny for long stretches of the day, I feel high sometimes (in a very happy, “look on the brighter side” sort of way) as the sunshine seeps into my skin.  This is not a very productive way of living.  It borders on insanity, and it also borders on manic depressive.

That said, though genes are powerful, I know that we have power in choice.  One of the huge lessons we can learn from God’s decision to let us choose to love Him, not just make us automatons who “love” him without choice.  Anyhow, I have run into many people who seem like they’ve given up on life.  I have great reason to not follow in their path.  Though I’ve been tempted many times in the past few months to do just that.  I’m going at this with my full force, because I have too much to live for.  Too much to hope for.  I can’t give up on my life.  It may be hard for some to understand these things, but that’s okay.  I can’t always understand other people’s issues and problems, either.

So we’ve tried a lot of things.  I have done acupuncture, and successfully used it during pregnancy to destress.  I’ve done herbal remedies, yoga, working out for endorphine release, lots of things.  I was previously a vegetarian, but don’t think that’s the way my body is made to be nourished.  Now, we are trying a new approach.  Per my nutritionist, I am going on the Page Diet, Phase 2.  Today is actually my second day of being on it, and let me say, I feel like crap!  But if this puppy does the trick, I will stick to it.

Here’s the basis of the Page Diet:  Paleo, basically.  Protein 3 x a day (from pastured, free-range animals, which we are currently trying to figure out); as many of certain vegetables as you want.  I can have quinoa, Ezekiel bread, or oats 2-3 times a week, but no more.  Limited fruits (I can only have a few fruits, which is so weird to me… Apples, grapes, and a few others) and NO sugar.  Of course, we can’t totally avoid it, but sugar is something I am supposed to try to completely avoid.  Along with that, eliminate processed flours and grains.  I can have butter, nuts to some degree, plenty of water, and of course I’m jumping with joy…. I can still have coffee if I don’t overdo it.  When we came home from our visit to see my Doc, we had to take a huge deep breath.  It seemed there was nothing in our pantry, or in the fridge, or in the freezer, that we could eat.  Last night, we had heaps of Kale with loads of butter and sea salt, topped with Kalamata olives.. and it wasn’t half bad.  But I still felt hungry.  We’re going to have to get on this grass-fed beef thing, or we’re going to be skin and bones!  We’re having to rethink everything, and will probably be ordering offline and going to Trader Joe’s more.

If you want to know more about it, check out this link, but I’m going to give this my best.  After this, my other options are far more medical, and I really don’t want to be on medication.  You probably know why if you’ve been reading for any time at all.  : )

I believe in food as a natural healer, an amazing resource we’ve been given, but can food really do this for me?  Balancing my blood-chemistry makes a whole lot of sense.  Half of the time, I feel like I could faint, and feel far too edgy.  I am intrigued that a few weeks ago I started to do gluten-free, after experimenting with what was causing me problems, and then my nutritionist recommended this diet.  I didn’t know how reliant I am on sugar, and today when I woke up with a headache, shakiness, and feeling very weak, I knew I was having withdrawals.  This amazes me, because I try to eat a healthy diet!  However, fruits really do have a lot of sugar, and your bod can’t deal with all of that.  So I’m having to learn this the hard way now.

I’ll keep you in tune with what’s going on here at our place; I’ll update you with how I’m feeling after a few days.  Hubs is going to do this with me, but is also going to eat things off the diet if he wants them.

Here’s to your health, and mine.  Haha.

All my love,

-M

 

 

 

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Feb 16 2011
1 Comment
reflection, Relationships

Friendship healing.


This heaven-sent weather has been humbling.

God has assured me, as He graciously does every year (like a parent does for a small child, who needs the reassurance) that Spring will yet again come to greet me.  The long winter was certainly difficult for me to endure.  This beautiful day makes me look up at the sky, with wide-eyed wonder and childlike amazement,  just sighing with contentment and joy.  I feel so tiny in the gigantic scheme of creation, yet important enough to know that my Father sent me a beautiful day that brings peace and tranquility to my heart.  As someone who truly is affected by the swings and sways of the seasons, I can tell you I’m overjoyed at breezes and sunshine.  Today I was able to go on a walk with one of my best friends.  Somehow, we always connect on the most deep levels, without even trying.  We’ve made time for each other in our lives, but God did most of the work.  She spoke words of healing to me, which sunk in deeply… penetrating who I am, and my perceptions of Me.

Let me tell you some things about her.  She and I are totally different.  We share many interests and likes, but the similarities stop there.  Our personalities are about as different as they come: she is more reserved and very quiet around people she doesn’t know.. I often blurt things out and laugh loudly.  We met as roommates, two new transfers to our college.  When I first met her, I wondered what God was doing?!  “This isn’t the kind of friend I always have!  She’s nothing like me!  She doesn’t talk!  She must not like me…”   Little did I know, she was pretty much thinking, “This girl talks so much!”  Haha.

Over the months, and now years, Sam has brought me so much joy, so much insight through who she is, and comfort. We’ve laughed–almost to the point of peeing our pants… We’ve also cried.  We took a road trip.  We’ve been crazy together.  We do a lot of things that just make life worth living.  She has given me faith in friendship–she has been there for me.  Most of all, lately, I see how her friendship has brought me a deep healing, something that only God can start in motion, and something He continues to support.  Healing through things I never thought I’d be able to overcome, Healing for things that I had long given up on.  She has come to my rescue more times than I can count, being a sister to me and loving me even in failures.  In our friendship, it’s been a constant “in-my-face” revelation of how our differences are beautiful; how I could never have picked this friend for myself, No–only God knew that I would need her so much in my life.  Her friendship brings freedom, and it brings acceptance to my soul.

This time of life has not been easy for me.  I have dealt with stress and anxiety issues (mostly physical ones that you can feel all over your body) since I was about 12.  It has been crippling.  It has debilitated me in many instances.  In some places of my life, I felt I was losing everything, and losing myself because of it.  I am telling this story because I hope someone can benefit from it.  So many people have reached out to me through my issues and problems; but I am especially thankful for Sam & her family.  Her mom is a Psychologist, and has helped me immensely through her love & expertise.  She uses a technique called Neurofeedback, which is, essentially a “training session” for your brain.  Well, it appears that my brain has been wired the wrong way, something is haywire, and my stress response is always in “fight or flight” mode.  It can affect my life . It has made some days a living hell.  All-in-all, with Neuro, I’m seeing results.  Real ones.  Progress.  Though it’s a road paved with ups and downs, just day-to-day struggles with it, panic & anxiety can be overcome by God’s grace.  If you have issues with these things, think of training your brain–it has done amazing things.  So it is through this healing friendship, and the non “coincidence” that we came to be roommates, that God has given me tools to change the course of my future, dealing with these problems.  I know that my God is an Awesome one, and that He’s leading me to recovery.  It’s a beautiful thing, and I know it’s just the beginning.

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Feb 07 2011
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Home Improvement, Marriage

In Love, and In Loathing


Part of being married is the constancy of total together time, 24/7.  When we’re having a ball–we’re together.  When we’re having a catastrophe, we’re supporting each other too.  I love it.  While I love it, and while I love being a home-owner, home-maker, etc… things have seriously hit us with a nice reality smack lately.  Everyday Troy & I kiss each other.  Every day, we say I Love You.  Every day, we learn that every day is a new beginning that God gave us.  However, there are those days that hit you like a ton of bricks, in every vulnerable little place, and they drive you crazy!  These days are the rain.  Sometimes, it is pouring and howling, cats-and-dogs variety of rain.  Then the fun, giggly, carefree and romantic days are the hallelujahs.  Yet without the rain, we would have no idea how good things are, and the rain gives us cause to rejoice in the days filled with sun.

The smack in the face we’re getting right now is the homeowner’s heartache.  We’ve put a lot of backbreaking work into our house thus far.  Mostly Troy–a.k.a. Man Muscles.  I have put a lot of love into it: freshly baked bread to keep my man fueled, cleaning up, finding things that have been misplaced… along with becoming the world’s best and most insane deranged cheerleader if need be.  Anyhow, we’ve done a lot, and so far we have only taken on one monumental project: the bathroom.  We had a small drip trickling down into our basement from the bathroom. Troy investigated, and voila!  He found a ton of lovely mold lurking behind the tub surround.  Our solution was to just whack it all out, make it mold-free, and re-model at the same time.  Since it was in need of repair, we might as well make it prettier in the process.

This project grew legs and took off–with us just holding on for dear life.  Oh the woes, the pains, and the craziness of remodeling any part of your home.  Let alone the bathroom!  I truly believe our sanity and our hygiene were seriously threatened because of this project.  Though that may be the case (and if anyone suffered from our lack of shower time, we do apologize deeply) this process has truly been rewarding.  While things have been difficult (the toll of massive time spent on this project, which we would previously spend on other areas of our household agenda.. or that would be spent caring for & loving on each other, has been felt by both parties) we can’t help but see the silver lining.  Seeing a functioning end result is high up on the gratification list of life.  Troy’s done so much!  I am very proud of my perfectionist, hard-working, ingenious and wonderful husband who takes on these sorts of things.  While I didn’t picture any of this on my wedding day (HA!) I am so thankful that we are doing this and working our way through the clutter together–it’s brought out the best, and the worst, of both of us.  Seeing all the problems and coming up with solutions builds trust and mutual respect.

Experiencing out-of-my-element stuff has always boggled my mind.  I am fascinated, and I love learning new things… I’ve also gained huge new appreciation for every handyman out there!  I know what a wall is made of!  I know how to lay tile.  These are things I never thought i’d do.  Seeing how much time, blood, sweat & tears this thing has emptied us of.. we may be hiring someone for help on a big project next time, but I am definitely excited for new home renovations & remodels to come.  Doing this has been a work, but a valuable one: We learned how to do this ourselves, were able to save a load of cash while doing it, and reaped a reward of feeling good about what we’ve done.  I’ll post some pictures to share our finished work when it’s totally done!

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Jan 11 2011
1 Comment
Justice, Value

Love 146


Today Is National Human Trafficking Awareness Day:

My heart is full to write for stories of passion.  Sadly, they are not always tales of inspiration.  I am a steadfast believer that if we want to change anything in this world, we must subject ourselves to some things that are not so pretty.  Not really a slice of “American” pie.  I think that we have to see and learn about some things that tear at our guts…wrench our insides, slap us with their brutality… because we must realize that this world is not a glamorous place.  For many, it is the scariest place.  For many, their life and freedom has been taken violently and that is a reflection of how they see this world.

This is a dirty place that we inhabit, filled with the rotting of humankind left to their ways.  We can hardly be distinguished from the mire.  But there is a Great Hope.  His name is Jesus.  We are those who are dirty, desperately needing rescue yet denying our deep need with a haughty pride.  The picture above is from the website 146.org, and I just read one of those dirty stories.. the horrifyingly true ones that we turn our eyes from.  While it is painful and leaves you feeling hurt and hopeless inside, education is the only way to create change in a real way.  If we don’t know about the atrocities going on in far-off places, how will we do anything to stop them?  If we don’t acknowledge that there is still child slavery, even in our own destitute regions, how will our mind be awakened to a solution?

We have to act.  With intentionality, with justice, and with foresight.  Don’t ignore what you aren’t directly experiencing… be a voice and understand that the plight of these people–these children–is all too real.

Please read, if you have a moment:  http://love146.org/love-story

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Jan 10 2011
2 Comments
Endurance, Fitness, Running

I’m Not A Runner, But…


Though I don’t currently count myself a runner, I would be lying if I said that I don’t deeply admire them.  There’s something about the brute endurance and animalistic ability to take the punches as they come.  To me, it is simultaneously inspiring and nauseating to see a person going out, digging in their heels, and tackling a marathon.  It draws me in, with this mixture of love-hate, and makes me wonder if I can push myself that hard.

I have to give you a bit of historical background about myself before discussing my renewed interest in the cult sport:  I was “That One Girl…” during all of middle school, and some of high school (I was exempted my freshman year from P.E. on account of academic and musical pursuits).  By that, I mean, I was the girl everyone wondered about, hobbling along towards the nurses’ office, one friend on each side propping me up comically.  I was the girl who had to be taken to the hospital for some mysterious reason or another.  I was never on sports teams, and one of my “bucket list” items is to join a team one day (even a non-competitive one)… against all fear and trembling.  I am simply unathletic.  I don’t call myself this because I am uncoordinated, out of shape, or anything else.  I just have a way of being a klutz when there are people watching me and expecting me to perform to standard.

My athletic life journey is usually a solo one:  I do Yoga.  I’m a fine swimmer.  I have been trained classically on the piano, and even took riding lessons as a child.  (I was also a girlscout for awhile, does that count for anything?)  But as for athletic endurance, I’m about as fit for fighting as a macaroni noodle.  I had Pneumonia when I was very little, as well, so when I run I secretly wonder if my lungs have a disability.  But… all that said, I think that making myself try to masquerade as a runner, whatever that means in my own macaroni-noodle-like way, would build oodles of character and provide a great outlet for steam.

All of that to say– I’m not a runner, but I’d like to be.  In a dramatic effort to increase the chances of my “stick-to-it” abilities, I bought a new pair of running shoes that suit my feet.  Running has always been a painful process for my body, I feel more painful than most, and I know that having the right shoes makes the difference.  After getting my new shoes, my heart was filled with excitement: wanting to see how far I could push this body that God created beautifully, wanting to appreciate my pounding heart & healthy legs.  Excited to begin this push towards going over the line, but just barely.  I’d like to be able to do 5K’s for a cause, and push myself with new limits.  It’s interesting to see how far you can push your mind over matter.  Though I’ve always wanted to do those things, I can take no credit for this new interest in running.  I became enthralled after picking up a book by two runner moms (Dimity McDowell & Sarah Bowen Shea).  It’s called “Run Like A Mother,” and it documents their successes, failures, life ambitions,  laughs, favorite picks for music + running gear, and so on.  It’s been a lightening read for me, and so far given me victory in my mind.  They’ve been the ones who made me put some running shoes back on, (I have jogged off and on for years) and I don’t doubt that they’ll give me a boost when I need it.  Dimity & Sarah, I owe you a big thank you.  If you want a read that is brutally honest, informative, hilarious, and inspires you to push your “GO” button.. I’d suggest it highly.

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