Filed under Spiritual Guidance …

Nov 03 2012
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Spiritual Guidance, Value, Womanhood

Seasonally, always.


There is so much I want to write about right now, but it’s kind of jumbled up and discombobulated in my brain as of now.  Organization.  Life and death.  Family stories.  Mommyhood and the changing of times.  Why one should even bother to write.  But… I will focus on a better overarching idea I am able to grasp right now– changing life seasons.  The more I look at my life, the more I realize I must think in seasons–realizing that nothing is ever permanent but the constant change, nothing on this Earth ever sticks except the tides of our place in this world.  Only eternal things are forever, and those are mostly unseen.

Ecclesiastes 3:11.  That, as I’ve recently decided, is my life verse.  I ran across this idea of having a defining verse to live life by while reading the book “Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Contentment,” by Linda Dillow.  I would highly recommend it to any woman, anywhere.  I’ve been reading it off and on for the last year (I’m a serial reader… I will pick up a book for two weeks, or two days, read for awhile, and then continue on to another… and then return to it a few months later.  It’s how I’ve always been, and I’ve stopped fighting the insanity.) and it has certainly proven to me that there are always grains of wisdom to gather from the challenges of others.  That’s also why I usually try to share my own challenges… in a way that isn’t judgemental, and isn’t in-your-face to tell you how to do and what to do.  If I’m doing that ever, I hope you can help to gently correct me.  But I want to share my tough points, and my high points, because I want to be real.  I have seen far too little sincerity and transparency in the world around me, and I try to live my life in graceful opposition to that.

So, about my life verse.  Ecclesiastes 3:11 reads, “He has made everything beautiful in its own time.  He has set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what he has planned from beginning to end.”

This verse is two-fold for me, in application to my life.  The first part, “He has made everything beautiful in its own time,” really reflects the struggle I have faced most of my life and for my teenage years.  Which I am just now feeling more free of.  At the age of twenty-four, I am now starting to feel as though I can look with a more even-keeled and objective eye at my past.  Some of it will probably never make sense to me, but some of it does now.  God’s revealing some truths to me, and allowing me to see some of my family history in a new light I never did.

When I was in high school, I struggled with an eating disorder.  Sorry if this is a shock to you, but it’s the truth.  If this ever comes up in conversation, I will admit openly that I had bulemia, because to be truthful God deserves His glory.  I honestly believe I’d still be stuck in a very vicious cycle of pain, self-hatred, and constant image issues if my God weren’t powerful and mighty to save.  Compassionate and caring toward me.  This first part of the verse reminds me that “He has made everything beautiful in its time,” meaning ME.  God made me beautiful for my time–as He also made others for theirs.  This verse also allows me to see the beautiful narrative in my painful struggle.  If I had never struggled with this, I wouldn’t have the testamony that I do.  I wouldn’t have had to realize how powerful and protective my God can be.  Furthermore, God used my husband to help heal me from much of this.  I realized how God uses people in such a strong way when he gave Troy to me.  And that is a beautiful thing.  When I say beautiful, I don’t necessarily mean outward beauty.  I mean the inward stories we all have.  The beauty which God brought to us by helping us and walking with us through our darkest and most painful life events.

This part of the verse has also been especially helpful to me when I see a person and begin to judge them.  Begin to wonder what purpose they could possibly have.  I remember that God made them beautiful in their own time, and that they have a purpose.  It’s really helpful when dealing with difficult people.

The second part of my own life verse is just really cool to me.  “He has set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”  I have always had a childlike fascination with a lot of the things that God has done.  Nature around me, eternity, lots of things.  This is a reminder to me to keep that in my spirit–to keep on looking around me and going, “My gosh, how did God DO this!?”  I want to never forget, I want to always be jumping up and down in excitement, not afraid to make a fool of myself because I’m in awe of God’s glory.  It also speaks to me about how in control He is, and how not in control we are.  He is the great mystery, and it’s something we will always be seeking after.  His mystery.  I love it.

And as I look at everything, at the whole of this verse which I try to apply to myself daily, I see the seasonal awareness that God seems to nudge us towards.  That the seasons are going to ebb and flow probably from now until my life takes its leave from this world.  It seems that God wants us to see that there is a time for all things, but we will not see His plans and purposes in full-view during this life.  It’s always a pull and tug.  This season, that season.  A time for weeping or a time for dancing.  Whatever season you’re going through, I hope that God will use it to strengthen you and draw him closer.

-M

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Aug 05 2012
2 Comments
Family, Relationships, Spiritual Guidance

Challenges (to say the least)


This post is vague, I recognized that and apologize in advance.  But perhaps you’ve walked a mile in my shoes yourself.

Tonight was one of those challenging nights.  One of those knock-down, drag out nights.  Not at home, but elsewhere.  My home is peaceful–but I had to do something for my family, and it was very difficult.  Do you ever have those life obligations where it is solely your responsibility to do something?  Nobody else can do it for you, you’re the sole person fighting a big problem.  I’m sure you do.  Well, at any rate, I had to go to bat.  As I told my mom, “I went to battle.”  I really did.  Because we fight “not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,” as Ephesians 6:12 states.  I don’t like to get “too religious” or talk too spiritually too often, because I grew up with a lot of that in church, and sometimes I feel it is overused.  However, I do feel this is one instance where I was fighting something really deep, really powerful, and really devilish.  Something my good God needed to fight for me–I couldn’t do it myself.

For my family, I will do almost anything.  I am loyal, and I will fight strongly when I need to for them.  Tonight: My words were chosen carefully, though I was filled with anger.  My heart was steady, though I felt like keeling over.  My hand was certain and did what it needed to do, because my good God was with me.  At the end of it all, I think things turned out alright.  For now.  I hate to be so vague, but when personal family matters are in the picture I feel that privacy is key.  But boy, oh boy, this subject just makes my blood boil and my face feel hot. It’s one of those things.

What I can say is that I am thankful to come home, eat a little snack, and just unwind and let go with my family here.  My husband, who is so comforting and strong when I do feel like the challenge was too great and overtook me.  My sweet baby, who I nursed nearly immediately, who needs me deeply and loves me greatly.  With his darling eyes looking up at me–the whole world feels at ease when I look at him and see his perfect little face.

I hope I don’t have to go to battle like that again soon.  It is hard.  It is harsh.  It is painful.  But sometimes these things are necessary.  Love is difficult.  It is not easy, nor easily ignored.  Love is something you choose and choose wholeheartedly, even in the sour moments. And love is something that God guides us through. To show us what it truly means to love–in moments like this when love seems far away. Father, keep guiding me. Father, show us which way to turn now. Where to go from here.

I love you, though this was difficult.

I love you, and I hope sometime you will see. I love you, though you put us through so much.

-M

Jul 02 2012
1 Comment
Family, Mommyhood, reflection, Spiritual Guidance, Value

The 6th Week of August


Doesn’t that sound like a fabulous title to a book, “The 6th Week of August: When I finally let it go.” ?? Or something like that? Well, I thought so anyway. However, this post is not about a novella, or a clever memoir, but about our little not-so-little guy and how he’s a whopping six weeks old this Friday, and an update on the season our family is going through. We are in the sixth week of his life. The sixth week outside of the womb. So strange, yet so wonderful.

Our weeks are filled with up and down days. In-between and also on-the-verge days. Days that are miraculous and inspire every ounce of awe and fascination that our very first hours with August held, and then days that feel like they were ripped from the pages of a horror story. That’s parenthood, I guess. A startling mix of terror and joy at some points–(Are we doing this right?! Okay… it’s not that big of a deal… or is it?! Is he okay? What is going on!? Oh, no biggie…We can do this.) A mysterious learning experience for all involved. Sometimes we have wonderful family moments that I can’t believe are real and then some days end with my brain feeling like it’s at full capacity and turning to Jell-o, my body feeling so weak and exhausted from certain hours where I can hardly even think about eating, and with a nervous breakdown just around the corner. Didn’t I tell you a long time ago that you’d never find “fake” on this blog? : ) It’s still true: I want to be as authentic as I can be. So that includes sharing the crappy, horrible times with you, along with those blissful, beautiful picture perfect times.

Anyhow, the above photo is a great example of my son’s preferences beginning to bloom! Doesn’t he look a lot like his daddy?! These past few weeks, August has wanted to sleep solely in his carseat. We don’t start him out there, but before the end of our rope is reached, he ends there. We begin in the basinette after a long time spent snoozing in my arms or on my chest, then the vibrating and swinging baby swing, then we make sure he’s swaddled tightly enough to allow his startle reflex to be thwarted.. but in the end, he almost always decides to sleep in his carseat. I am beyond caring about what everyone says of the safety of it, because it’s all we can do to get a little rest and help him to be content. He isn’t an incessant cryer, but he always lets us know what he wants. I think there has only been one or two really loud crying, non-stop wailing sorts of hours this far in his baby career. SO hey, that’s a huge whopping yahoo! Adding to that positive note, he isn’t a HUGE cryer, and he IS a SMILER! Smiley, smiley, baby! Around the 3rd week, he began this little tiny smile that soon grew. This week he spontaneously smiles really often, and I think he may have been smiling back at me today. Ahhh a baby smile. Nothing like it. Nothing so beautiful that I’ve ever seen.

This sixth week has shown me that in everything, my joy will waver and my heart will feel faint if I’m not relying on the One who is bigger than me. The compelling prayer of St. Patrick comes to mind, which someone told me about a long time ago, a portion of it goes something like this: “Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me.” I don’t usually enjoy a repetitive prayer style, but this one really makes sense and comforts me. Christ has gone before me, He’s in front of me, He’s got my back, and He’s behind me. Pretty awesome. Moreover, hubs & I watched a sermon yesterday by Francis Chan. Our family is in a time of life when things could go many different ways, and we want to be wise and ask God what he thinks before we ask ourselves what we want. We have choices to make. What do we want out of this life? Ultimately, if it isn’t what He wants too, we’re doomed. Nothing from a human heart, aside from God’s guidance and direction, will move toward good things. We are selfish, and I believe that if our hearts are left to themselves we will only try to meet our own ends. Nothing for others, nothing eternally satisfying, but always trying to get the next thing. The next thing to meet the needs that we have–deep needs that earthly stuff can never meet. So… this Francis Chan sermon was really good. Really gripping, made me question things, made me ask myself what I think I need in this life. What do I really need? What do you really need?

More later.

-M

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Aug 31 2011
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racial issues, reflection, Relationships, Self-Image, Spiritual Guidance, Womanhood

Roots


I’m reading an interesting new book, which I think God put straight into my outstretched, open hands. It’s about adoption, and it’s called Love you more. Here is an excerpt that I thought I would share with you:

“It’s just life. One moment I’m standing in the frozen food aisle, looking for puff pastry sheets or a bag of chopped spinach, and the next I’m fielding a delicate question from a stranger about my family or my reproductive health. ‘When you become the parents of a child of another race, you become a conspicuous family,’ a social worker said when my husband and I began the adoption process. ‘Are you ready for that?’ I said I was, but it still throws me that seeing my family can have the effect of causing perfectly well-mannered people to turn off their filters and use their ‘outside voices’ to express whatever thoughts pop into their heads.

‘Couldn’t you have another one of your own?’

‘Where did you get her?’

‘How much was she?’

‘Have you ever met her real mother?’

‘Does she speak English?’”

This short introduction into the author’s life hit home like a rock in my stomach. It hit my little soft spot. Or at least one of them. Wow. I can’t recall how many times race, and origins… roots and background have come up in my short, 22-year-old life. They have come up in a multitude of places. My heart aches for home. My heart breathes deeply when it feels accepted for its diversity. My heart needs to have closure and acceptance in my differences. I think that this is where God is leading me to. A place of healing that I could never imagine. I believe He has a plan far greater and a ride that’s wilder than I could cook up for myself.

Today I was speaking with one of my profs, he’s a pretty cool guy. The topic of my ethnicity came up, and I was glad to speak of it because I truly am grateful and proud of it. I believe in it–I think this part of me is wonderful, beautiful, and laden with mystery. But there are certain ways I feel comfortable for it to peek its head out of the shadows, and others where I feel deep shame. When someone confronts me and says, “Where are you from?” or more bluntly, “What areyou?” a bit of heat circulates through my spirit & a flame is set ablaze. It’s not a good flame. It’s a flame of bitterness, of hatred for those who have made me feel dehumanized or unimportant. Hatred for those who have put me down or made me feel discriminated or even objectified because of who I am. I look exotic. There is no other way around it. I will never forget the instance in my life when I was first set apart, in a negative way, for my differences: A boy, when we were in 6th grade, called me “Jap.” It was in a “joking” way, to him, but to me it hurt like someone threw acid in my eyes. It stung, and it sunk in. A different boy, during a WW2 memorial service at my middle school, leaned over and again “jokingly” said to me, “this is because of you!” No. Another instance, around this same time of my life, a girl in my art class was angry at me for something and said, “well, you can mow my lawn, you mexican!” Never was I ever so confused. Of course, being me, I told her nobody would mow her lawn for her. I can laugh a bit when I look back, but a bit of sting is still there. Mostly for the confusion. Mostly for the need to show other people who I was, because they questioned who I am, and “what” I am. I have had to learn love for this aspect of myself, not hatred. I have had to see my uniqueness, my differences, my absolute “stick out from the crowd” self… as a beautiful gift that my Father bestowed when I was born.

So it’s funny–after talking to my professor, I went to read and relax for a bit because I had an open gap of time in my schedule. I popped this book open, and read that little beginning… and had to write because it all connected so well. Thank you Father for caring about who I am. For making me meaningful.

Race is certainly a funny thing. Being considered “mixed.” Being labeled. Because eventually, if people continue to label you and try to force you into a mold, you will have conflict and it might spring up in unexpected places. But it is my experience that my Good Father, my Protector and Restorer… he has not put me into this body and this place to hurt me. He has put me here for a true reason that is bigger than just me. Maybe I am unsure of that today–perhaps I will be for a very long time to come. But I will own who He has formed me into, and try to love. Try to bring understanding and never to put others into a box, put them down because of my own biases. That is far too comfortable and simple–people are complex and quite difficult to interpret. We are all his children.

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Jan 16 2011
1 Comment
Conscientious, Spiritual Guidance

What’s in your “hand” ?


If you’ve never heard of TED talks…

Then you’re missing out!  This is yet another of those random and wonderfully enlightening experiences that my husband let me in on… And ever since, i’ve been fascinated.  TED stands for: Technology, Entertainment, Design.  Not only does it consist of those entrancing subjects, but it is one of the most educational and inspiring sites I’ve come to rely on for a spark of that “extra something.”  Its entire mission is to be a wildfire ablaze with “Ideas worth Spreading.”

Hub & I were sitting at home after a day of studying, researching, household stuff, etc… when cuddled up in the living room to watch this video of Rick Warren at a TED talk.  What he said was not mind boggling, but simplistic.  It wasn’t flashy, it was laid back.  It was challenging and real.  Poignant yet unassuming and touching to even the most everyday.  The last question Warren asks, at the end of his 20-minute talk, is this: “What’s in your hand?”  His analogy was to the story of Moses, when Moses is asked to lay down his entire identity for God.  I have to ask myself, would I lay down my entire identity, my assets, my goals and gains… to follow the One unseen?  I would hope so.  And in thinking of that, I do think of what I hold in my hand.  These things are those that nobody can ever take, things that aren’t tangible: My education.  My free speech.  My ethical convictions.  My creativity & humor.  What am I doing with these things?

Branching off of Warren’s ideas… I’d like to supplement something else into the equation.  Lets say I acknowledge those things in my hand: (my hand could be akin to the saying about a hand you’ve been dealt, many card-player references, etc.. whatever it is, it’s your lot in life) I see that I have an education.  I know that I have a respectable career ahead, a reputation, money, a warm home, and good morals.  If I see these things, realize that I have more than many, and yet keep my hand closed and close to me I will be helping nobody.  It is only in choosing to let go… to let His hand gently hold mine in an embrace that frees… that I impact others.  I am only capable of picking someone else up, holding them and bringing comfort, if my hand is wide open and humbly asking “How can I give you my hand?”  This is something I’ve had to think on many times.. and it’s not any easier when you think of how you can make it possible.  But you can.  In those everyday instances, when making a choice about what kind of legacy we are leaving and what we’re doing to help others.. we can decide to use what we’ve been given for the good of others.

Isn’t that something to think about?

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Oct 29 2010
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Spiritual Guidance, Value

One Thing.


You know it, you want one thing.

It’s different for every one of us.

How are you going to get it?

Maybe you’re going to formulate a plan.

Maybe you’ve got a plan, but it’s failing.

Maybe you’ve tucked your plan somewhere deep into your heart,

and don’t even realize that it’s there.

But there is a plan secreted away, to get that thing, and it’s inside you.

Do you feel it? Do you know that it’s there?

How are you going to get that “one thing”?

You know it can’t be just one thing… it’s many.  This problem of unceasing WANT.
Want, want, want, want, want…

What consumes you?
What makes your mind hurt?
Now find…

What gives you peace?
What gives you quiet of spirit?
Genuine release.

Anxiety is something that has been on the buzz.  Have you noticed?  Co-workers tell you “I’m anxious today!  I shouldn’t even be here!”  You quietly agree in your mind.  Shopping malls are full of this disquiet, this anti-solitude, at the holiday time of year.

What is the one thing… the True One?  I can’t hardly believe that it’s so quietly waited, it’s in my heart, as well, but the pounding of the “other promises” is fast at work to drown it out.  And it is successful, if we allow it to be… If I allow it to be.

The One thing…The Peace, the Joy that God has promised. The Fullness. These are capitalized because of the fact that they are the real ones.. they are no impostors who seek to destroy you… they will actually give you true freedom.  They will not entangle, entrance, inhibit, demand.  They will wait for you to notice, wait for you to breathe.  They will not sit heavy on your heart and demand attention, they are the opposites.

Jesus said “My peace I leave with you, My peace I give you.  And the peace I give is not like the peace the world gives… so do not be troubled or afraid.”  –John 14:27

As my heart beats in a flurry… (it often does) and as my head swells with ideas and chaos (as it, too, often does) I think of the peace of this world.  What does it offer me? It offers me more.  Consuming and getting and wanting and showing off.  Being better, looking good, feeling great about the material extensions of yourself…  This is nothing like that Peace that Jesus offers.  Wholly, truly.  There is nothing like it, though there are many who claim to be.

I can’t help but long for the silence.  The quiet and solitude that heaven knows.  The anxiety eases and my heart beats steady.  He transforms me into something that I know is only who am through Him: Contended.  Fulfilled.

This is the Peace that Jesus spoke of.

He replaces my pain.

He ransoms my heart.

He rebuilds and restores.

He does not value my material possessions.

He does not value me based on merit, achievement, or gains.

He is the only One, the Creator.

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