A Captive Mind

Oh dear, what a long time it has been. We feel like time moves so much more quickly now that we have a little one among us. Months feel like weeks. Weeks feel like days. And so it goes. Today was a good day. It started off fairly beautifully, with our little man smiling and laughing and cooing. He is amazing us around every corner, making us smile and laugh with joy at each turn. He has these mornings now where he wakes up, eats a good breakfast, and then just contentedly looks around his world and enjoys being with his Mommy & Daddy. He lies between us and smiles, and we just soak it up. At the difficult moments of my days, it’s a special blessing to think back to the morning (however long ago and far away it may seem) and smile at our moments with one another.

So this morning was one of those sweet, sweet mornings, and then it took a turn for the unexpected. Troy was leaving for work, and he was going out the door when he said to me, “Honey, come here… look.” I was a little scared to see what it would be–he had a tone that I don’t often hear. A bit of hesitation, a bit of worry. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door, and what I saw amazed me: A little bunny. Tiny. Just a hint of a rabbit, really. It was lying on our doormat, still as could be, with its eyes closed and ears flattened. We’d never seen a baby rabbit so small, and so very vulnerable. I’m sure a chord was struck within me, having just birthed my own little tiny one. I wanted to help it, wanted to do something for it. So my hubs had to go to work, and he said, “Will you take care of it?!” With the hope I saw in his eyes, how could I not?

I checked around, and eventually after speaking to a few people (via the web, and phone) I finally was advised to take the baby inside because of the ridiculous heat. I did that, and was glad I did because he was looking even more small and tired than the last time I had checked on him. I put our dogs and cat away (who knows… you just can’t be too safe with something like this!) and brought Jack into the house and placed him gently in the bottom of a big rubbermaid with a warm tee-shirt.

I wondered and thought about what would happen to sweet Jack, took a few photos and a video, and then imagined myself nursing him with a tiny little syringe full of “kitten milk,” the pet formula the vet had suggested I purchase. I was terrified, thinking of how I know so little about baby bunnies, and worried to have such a small life on my hands without any knowledge of his needs. Thankfully, I did not have to go through that scenario because I was given the number of a wildlife rehab person in the area. I drove Jack out to her, and handed him over carefully. Whew. What a relief to give him to a professional–someone who knew what he needed! Someone who wouldn’t screw him up with their well-intentioned mistakes (like perhaps, I could have). In those moments, I am reminded of motherhood and mothering: I try and try to know everything I can about my baby, but in the end I have to give him over to the One who is so much bigger, who knows him inside and out. Something I never can do, no matter what. I will never know him as much as his Creator does. Something no mother can do all the way for their baby, no matter how good a mother they are. Whether you’re great at mothering or you’re the most uncertain mother on the planet, God will be a better mother than you are. Comforting thoughts to me, at least. I’d rather know that He is in control of all of that, anyway. Amazing how a tiny bunny can change my life and remind me of God’s goodness. And God knows more than Karp, or Brazelton, or Spock. Especially Spock. Ha!

So, after all of that excitement and life-saving, I was pretty pooped by around 1 o’clock. I was so thankful that my mom had asked me what my plans were for the day, because I really needed some babying. Do you have those days when you need to be taken care of? Most of us would hate to admit it, but you know–it’s so freeing when you finally do. When you sink into the arms of a friend or loved one who understands and cares for you, there is nothing better than hanging up your pride and your big girl pants, and deciding to be vulnerable and allowing them to comfort you.

As a mom, I want to wear my big girl pants often–of course! But there is still a time and place for them to take a rest. I digress. Anyhow, boy am I thankful for my family. There are always ups and downs with family, but you love them just the same. And may I say that they love me just the same, and I am so glad. Mom & I got to have quality time, and she got to have some baby time, too. She loved on him, read to him, and talked to him so much. It brought tears to my eyes to see her enjoying her grandson. My dad was completely enchanted by his grandson, too, and I got to glimpse a bit of what his own fatherhood of myself and my brother must have been like. He kept saying, “What a beautiful baby you are! Did you know? You’re so very handsome.” What a great father. I have been blessed and gifted with two wonderful parents. Mom & I looked at some baby photos of my brother, and I reached into the past with my imagination. How time changes everything. Furthermore, Mom got out my baby diary that she’d lovingly kept, and made us both laugh until we had tears in our eyes because of the hilarity of it all. Would you believe that I was a biter?! And a baby-hitter?! How could I do such things??!!! But I suppose that’s another story for another book.

So I will end this here, and call it a night. Though I know you want to know so badly why I hit a baby when I was two years old.
Adieu.

-M