Category Archives: Family

Mar 10 2013
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Conscientious, Family, Feminism, Gender Roles, Justice, Mommyhood, Womanhood

The Impact of Raising Kids With Strict Gender Guidelines


(from personal observation)

This is a long-winded one, but if you stick with me and see it through, I hope it will be a thought-provoking journey, at least.

Our world seems to enjoy boxing people into roles, stereotypes, labels, etc. American culture, specifically what I’ve seen in rural American culture, sticks to these kinds of guidelines a bit too stringently for my liking. The church really, really loves doing this kind of thing–and I’m SICK of that, I might add. Sometimes, these snap judgements seem like they could be really useful tools–they keep things simple for your brain, so you’re able to just quickly write something off. Less pain for your brain, easily sorting everything into tidy little spots in society, but not necessarily the truth. They make everything seem very black and white, strictly speaking, and “just the facts, ma’am.” But if you look at yourself, if you look deeply, and if you also look at your life, maybe things shouldn’t be quite so stuck. That maybe, that’s not how the world really turns.

And by stuck, I mean that these guidelines are not be doing us any favors from where I stand. Cookie cutter molds from which to build our peripheral ideas and hopes about other people, other women and men, are not helping but in fact are hurting us at our very core. From looking around me, from looking at the relationships I have and the friendships I’ve built, I think that the gender roles rules need to be kicked to the curb: once and for all. Hello, I am that woman who will not force pink and purple flowered skirts on my daughter if that isn’t her liking, and Oh, hi there–I’m the feminist chick who will truly squeal with delight when my son creates his first dinnertime meal and serves it with pride. And I will never, never ever, give him “boy toys” like hammers and building sets, without giving him a kitchen to play with or something more neutral such as blocks and stuffed animals. And if he wants to carry a baby around and take care of it, my mothering soul will be proud that I have set such a wonderful, nurturing example for him.

Anyhow. The big kicker here is this: How you raise your sweet baby girl or sweet baby boy, is the expectation they will have of the world–FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. The actions, the roles, the responsibilities that your little sponge is soaking up will resonate within them as the truth. The toys that they are given, shows that they watch, the music they hear, the way you self-love or self-hate.. they will have a perfect blue-print of what they think they’re supposed to emulate. Translation: If you’re a momma, and you do all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning, or if you’re a poppa, and you do all long hours of working, all the physically demanding labor, and have never lifted a finger to team up with your wife in a messful of kitchen, then your child will likely follow suit and demand the world to do so as well. When other people, specifically in this case probably your child’s future spouse, do not fit so tidily within these walls of examples, all hell breaks loose. It does not have to be like that.

These people (and I am one of them) who are not stuck in any one mold very tightly (I tend to have a personality that exhibits many male-typical traits & am a born leader in my own opinion, and I am a lot less domestic in many ways than some women are raised to be) a problem will certainly arise. There will be a clash, a contradiction between two worlds, and it will take a very long, long time for both people to reconcile. My husband and I were raised very differently. He was raised in a home where gender roles were very, very strictly followed. My home was a lot more egalitarian, though I do still believe I missed out on many important life skills I would like to learn now (read: changing a tire, or being able to sew), and I am not blaming my parents for these things. They did a great job. My hubby’s parents did a good job too–we just came from entirely different worlds, with entirely different priorities. Needless to say, there were many hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and painful fights in our first year of marriage because of gender roles gone awry. I hope that through our parenting and our observation of God’s design, we can nip that in the bud for our son.

I understand where tradition lies on the spectrum of very important pieces of personal history–traditions are what often make life special, give it meaning, make us feel connected to our past. At least, traditions in my understanding, through my life lens. However, I do not adhere to tradition for its own sake–I will forsake the “same old way” for a “new and more effective, efficient way,” in a heartbeat if I have made the analysis that a change will be positive and helpful. I do a lot of reading and investigating to glean out what the best way may be. The same is true for gender roles–I have looked, inspected, introspected, outwardly glanced, picked up the scriptures, discussed with many people… I just cannot grasp how some people will raise their children without a thought about how gender roles impact them. The world bombards men and women every day, mostly through advertising, and tells them what they will do, what they will say, and how to behave. Women are driven to see themselves as a sex object, when it boils down. Men are pushed to be fearless and impermeable, insusceptible to emotions and hurt. These things rob us of the people God designed us to be, and leave us yearning for more with a deeply buried insecurity that we carry like a huge weight slung over our shoulder. Perhaps not nearly realizing how much it impacts us–so many people carry this with them wherever they go, but it needn’t be so. You can awaken. You can understand that you are not your sex, you are not your gender. You are a child of God with uniquely given gifts and abilities–you do not have to buy, sell, trade, train, or squish yourself into a mold based on the image you see all around you of what the “Woman” or “Man” must do. These roles are irrelevant in many cases. Though they are mostly stereotypes and expectations of society, I will also say that women are often born mothers, wheras men seem to be learned fathers, or nurturers. Many men think that it’s “only a woman’s thing,” or that he isn’t expected to learn to nurture. Not the case, in my eyes. I think many men were never shown by their father-figure exactly what it means to be a nurturing man. Therefore, they always thought that would come from their mother. My husband is one of the most nurturing people I know, but he had to get past his early suppositions in order to embrace that. I had to realize that I am a self-starter when it comes to negotiating with people in a business-environment, and also trying to haggle with some of our utilities providers on the phone, and I am a leader in this way. If I had kept expecting my husband (who knows why? I guess I perceived it as a guy’s thing to do? ) to do these things, we’d both be going crazy, forced into roles which we did not fit.

So what does this all mean for our children? I would like to suggest a wild and crazy notion of forsaking traditional ways, forsaking what your television is telling you, forsaking the industries who are trying to sell you things (ahem… all of those toys and all of the crap you don’t need, which vividly supports gender roles: Dora, Bob the builder (ugh!), Barbie, and action figures like Spiderman…) are not trying to help your child or love them. They are trying to make $$. That is their bottom line–yeah, yeah, yeah, we can all argue about how our kids need action heros and adventure, okay I get that ( I like spiderman) but really… they want to make a quick buck. The more your child wants to be like superman or barbie, the more your child watches and consumes their products, the more money they make. And the less satisfied your child is going to be with who they are–as a woman or a man. I would like to suggest a crazy turnaround of allowing the “world” to suggest for us what our children should be like, and instead do a more inquiry-based playtime with our kids, where they are encouraged to explore all kinds of textures, shapes, experiences… without putting gender as their top priority. The world is made up of so many more things, and creativity blossoms without so many boundaries. Give your child the options. Also, inquiry-based with a dose of real world would also be a step towards better things: allowing your child to cook beside you. Lifting up the hood of your car and showing your kid all of the parts of the engine, etc. Boy & girl. NOT just boys. NOT just girls. We shouldn’t be stealing tools and resources that our children need to have in real life, so that they can come to expect another person to meet those needs for them. That is a huge, HEAVY load. ALL of our kids should be capable in as many areas of living as possible. Not just what our social circles say is acceptable for their gender.

Here is a bit of what I hope to do to help my child thrive in his God-given talents and personality, as a sweet little boy:

1) We have been very, very adamant about NO television for August. I don’t think it’s evil, I think advertising is evil–and there is a huge difference. Point blank. We watch PBS in our home (newly) and listen to NPR. We also listen to a wide array of music. He does not need television to stimulate his brain even more, and all the research shows that he does not need it or learn from it until after age 2. He does not need advertising to tell him what he doesn’t have and needs to have to be happy. He does not need to see the guy with massive muscles that he “should” look like. He will not suffer in the least without these things.

2) I always want him to have a choice in things, if he is able to make those choices. I don’t want him to feel like we are forcing things on him, especially gender-stereotyped things. Activities will not be optional once he gets to a certain age, because we want him to socialize and discover the things that he excels in, but he will choose if its basket weaving or soccer. I will support him in either.

3) As much as we are able, hubby & try to share the load across genders. He does the laundry when he is able and often on weekends, we both clean the house (I do more of this right now, because I am home almost full time with August) but Troy is really much more thorough with cleaning than I could ever hope to be! We must fully own that we are August’s biggest example, and so we have to get out of our comfort zones. I will mow the lawn, and I will learn how to check the oil in our van. I will do things that I am physically able to do. And Troy will carry him around on his back in a springy green Ergo even though it doesn’t make him feel “manly.” He will cook dinner for our family and be proud of it, because a guy can rock at cooking, too. And.. Because we share the load as parents, not as unequal partners.

4) I will encourage my child to see role models in both genders. I’ve had an old-man crush on John Miur for a very long time, probably my early years of highschool, and I respected him for the peaceful protester he is. I hope he will be fascinated with Madame Curie or Condi when he is in his formative years.

5) I will hunt for biblical truth, and not accept mainstream ideas that many churches seem to be having about roles within the church. They are not biblical, and they are not fair to women in who they are in Christ. I feel so strongly about this that I do not attend my old church anymore. I liked many things about it, but their ideas about gender was not one of them.

I feel that the roles we are expected to fill, the shoes we are expected to walk in, can be touchy touchy topics.  It hits people deep down, and they get offended.  I realize that.  But I also realize that it can be lifechanging to realize that these are not very valid reasons to live the way we do.  If you realized that your wife was better at something than you, but you always forced yourself to do it anyhow, it sounds like the recipe for disaster to me.  The same goes for any woman who would choose, every night, to make dinner (even if she’s really bad at it) even though her husband really loves it deep down, and can produce top-notch dinners.  And at the end of the day, I think we should all be sufficient.  Sad as I am to think about it, someday I may not have my husband.  I don’t want to be totally inapable of filling all of the roles he used to fill around our home.  I want us each to be confident and have the life skills we need–gender roles trap us into thinking we need someone else to provide many things for us.

One last thought on this topic, speaking spiritually.  I can give you a million ways that Jesus countered his very male-dominant culture.  I think a lot of people are very set in their ways on this polarizing issue, but during my last year at Greenville College, I had to do a very in-depth investigation about this topic and what Jesus really exhibited through his actions.  Through my studies with my fellow students, I uncovered what I believe very adamantly to be truth.  It was the first time I really, really took a hard long look at what Jesus thought of women and their role: The bleeding woman that he healed is probably the most beautiful example that I can give ((Mark 5:21-43, Matthew 9:18-26, Luke 8:40-56) of a savior who allows a woman who is thought of as “unclean,” completely cut off as a pariah by her fellow people because of her bleeding disorder… to touch him… she was accepted by Him.  Then another example when He speaks to the Samaritan woman at the well, that crosses all lines within his Jewish culture.  Women were very much the “lesser” citizen in Jesus’ day, but he made every effort to tear that down.  My final thought on this would be Jesus’ words: they were often very feminine and used motherly symbolism.  Men of that day just didn’t speak in such a tone.  He spoke of being a mother hen who gathers her chicks about her, in Luke 13:34.  I love that symbolism.  Even a dude in present day would rarely speak like that, so tenderly.  Anyhow, if you have any more questions about any of this, please ask.  Here’s a link that may help explain these beliefs further: http://www.jesuscentral.com/ji/life-of-jesus-modern/jesus-feminist.php.

All my love,

-M

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Dec 05 2012
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Family, Fitness, Food Activism, Nutrition

New Diet: Think Again


Weightloss.  That’s what we all think about when it comes to dieting.  But I’m really not concerned with that right now.  After having August, breastfeeding has done a stellar job of taking me down to my normal weight–I just have to tone my pregnancy-induced muscle loss.  I feel pretty good about my bod, honestly.  However, my bod doesn’t always feel so great.  Much of the time, it hurts.

I’ve spoken about my issues with stress sometimes.  Not a whole lot, but when I’ve felt I should.  I mostly want to talk about it occasionally to allow others to know what I seek to know as well, “You are not alone.”  My hubby  knows how difficult it’s been for me, since he lives with me day-in and day-out.  He knows how deep it can run.  Most of it lies in the fact that I just seem to have inherited a set of genes prone to stress, anxiety, and depression. A set of genes that is sensitive.  Sorry if it’s TMI, but oh well–I get constipated after riding in a car for two or three hours.  That’s not normal.  I can not let go of problems, sometimes for years.  That’s NOT normal.  It runs in my family, as well as other neurotic behaviors and personality types.  In the winter, I get SAD.  In the summer and spring when it’s very sunny for long stretches of the day, I feel high sometimes (in a very happy, “look on the brighter side” sort of way) as the sunshine seeps into my skin.  This is not a very productive way of living.  It borders on insanity, and it also borders on manic depressive.

That said, though genes are powerful, I know that we have power in choice.  One of the huge lessons we can learn from God’s decision to let us choose to love Him, not just make us automatons who “love” him without choice.  Anyhow, I have run into many people who seem like they’ve given up on life.  I have great reason to not follow in their path.  Though I’ve been tempted many times in the past few months to do just that.  I’m going at this with my full force, because I have too much to live for.  Too much to hope for.  I can’t give up on my life.  It may be hard for some to understand these things, but that’s okay.  I can’t always understand other people’s issues and problems, either.

So we’ve tried a lot of things.  I have done acupuncture, and successfully used it during pregnancy to destress.  I’ve done herbal remedies, yoga, working out for endorphine release, lots of things.  I was previously a vegetarian, but don’t think that’s the way my body is made to be nourished.  Now, we are trying a new approach.  Per my nutritionist, I am going on the Page Diet, Phase 2.  Today is actually my second day of being on it, and let me say, I feel like crap!  But if this puppy does the trick, I will stick to it.

Here’s the basis of the Page Diet:  Paleo, basically.  Protein 3 x a day (from pastured, free-range animals, which we are currently trying to figure out); as many of certain vegetables as you want.  I can have quinoa, Ezekiel bread, or oats 2-3 times a week, but no more.  Limited fruits (I can only have a few fruits, which is so weird to me… Apples, grapes, and a few others) and NO sugar.  Of course, we can’t totally avoid it, but sugar is something I am supposed to try to completely avoid.  Along with that, eliminate processed flours and grains.  I can have butter, nuts to some degree, plenty of water, and of course I’m jumping with joy…. I can still have coffee if I don’t overdo it.  When we came home from our visit to see my Doc, we had to take a huge deep breath.  It seemed there was nothing in our pantry, or in the fridge, or in the freezer, that we could eat.  Last night, we had heaps of Kale with loads of butter and sea salt, topped with Kalamata olives.. and it wasn’t half bad.  But I still felt hungry.  We’re going to have to get on this grass-fed beef thing, or we’re going to be skin and bones!  We’re having to rethink everything, and will probably be ordering offline and going to Trader Joe’s more.

If you want to know more about it, check out this link, but I’m going to give this my best.  After this, my other options are far more medical, and I really don’t want to be on medication.  You probably know why if you’ve been reading for any time at all.  : )

I believe in food as a natural healer, an amazing resource we’ve been given, but can food really do this for me?  Balancing my blood-chemistry makes a whole lot of sense.  Half of the time, I feel like I could faint, and feel far too edgy.  I am intrigued that a few weeks ago I started to do gluten-free, after experimenting with what was causing me problems, and then my nutritionist recommended this diet.  I didn’t know how reliant I am on sugar, and today when I woke up with a headache, shakiness, and feeling very weak, I knew I was having withdrawals.  This amazes me, because I try to eat a healthy diet!  However, fruits really do have a lot of sugar, and your bod can’t deal with all of that.  So I’m having to learn this the hard way now.

I’ll keep you in tune with what’s going on here at our place; I’ll update you with how I’m feeling after a few days.  Hubs is going to do this with me, but is also going to eat things off the diet if he wants them.

Here’s to your health, and mine.  Haha.

All my love,

-M

 

 

 

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Sep 10 2012
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Conscientious, Family, Priorities, Value

It only takes a minute, sometimes.


I picked up the phone.  I was going to call my grandparents, but I didn’t know exactly what to say.  I went over a possible conversation in my head, thought about all that was going on currently, and decided it would probably be better to just wing it with a big dose of heartfelt love.  In those moments on the phone, I didn’t say anything deep and moving to my last living set of grandparents.  I didn’t tell them anything profound, and they didn’t transmit a generation’s worth of wisdom into my brain magically.  However, those moments were very important.

I want my interactions with others to be meaningful.  So much, sometimes, that I forget that I don’t have to overthink them.  I don’t have to put  them painstakingly together.  I want to make each action and discussion important and make it worthwhile.  But it could be that I’m missing one important factor: just being there, in a moment.  When I called my grandpa, I wished him a happy grandparents’ day.  I said that I love him, and that I miss him.  That I was thinking of him.  He said that truly means the world to him.  It was a very sweet, tender moment.

Then I got off the phone with him.  My grandma told me that I had made my gramps very happy, just by calling.  My mom later told me that he had tears in his eyes.  A phone call had meant so much.  I didn’t do anything monumental or sacrifical for him, and I didn’t go far out of my way.  A ten minute phone call–is that really good enough?  The problem with me, sometimes, is that I cook up this grandiose plan that is so involved and innovative.  I think of how awesome it would be if I could follow through and make it happen.  Sometimes I do these things for others, and then other times they fall through.  I create this big template for how to care for others but I forget that simple everyday actions mean so much more most of the time.

A minute.  Ten minutes.  A phone call.  Important.  My gramps has kidney disease now, and it’s progressing.  The age-old truth that we are mortals, that we won’t last forever, is ringing true.  It’s so hard to see another person vanish and become someone that is only half of the person you knew them to be–but it seems to be a good reminder for me take each day and live it with love.  He has to have home assistance now–he was in the hospital this past weekend, because of a blood clot that was caused by a fall he took a few weeks back.  He told me that this thing is trying to whip him, but that he wasn’t going to let it.  Oh how I love his attitude!

And as it always has been for me, he’s a true picture of a great man.  He speaks with kindness to his family and others.  He lived his life in moments, not too busy for me or too wrapped up in his own affairs.  I want to be that kind of mom, friend, wife.  I can recall so many memories from my childhood that he was able to share life with me in the simple, little pleasures of everyday things.  He took a few minutes to show me his stamp collection.  He took awhile to catch a bunch of frogs with me one summer.  We’d write letters back and forth, and he would type them on his cool typewriter.  These are the things I will never forget about him, and these are the minutes that made a world of difference in my childhood.  He has a great legacy of kindness.  Of whistling while he worked.  Of a cheerful and joyful heart.

We have to live in those minutes, in those seconds that we have with one another–because our life is made up of them.

Moments that come and go in just a flash. 

Our lives will not last forever, and so we must take those seconds and make them count!  Constantly checking cell phones, thinking of tomorrow, planning our escapes.  Is this how we want to be?  I feel like it’s a constant tug of war over our brains and affections.  And if we breathe… if we let go… if we realize that our very lives depend on one another and the tiny fragments of being that we hold on to with each other, we will recall that true living involves very little but means so very much.

-M

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Aug 05 2012
2 Comments
Family, Relationships, Spiritual Guidance

Challenges (to say the least)


This post is vague, I recognized that and apologize in advance.  But perhaps you’ve walked a mile in my shoes yourself.

Tonight was one of those challenging nights.  One of those knock-down, drag out nights.  Not at home, but elsewhere.  My home is peaceful–but I had to do something for my family, and it was very difficult.  Do you ever have those life obligations where it is solely your responsibility to do something?  Nobody else can do it for you, you’re the sole person fighting a big problem.  I’m sure you do.  Well, at any rate, I had to go to bat.  As I told my mom, “I went to battle.”  I really did.  Because we fight “not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,” as Ephesians 6:12 states.  I don’t like to get “too religious” or talk too spiritually too often, because I grew up with a lot of that in church, and sometimes I feel it is overused.  However, I do feel this is one instance where I was fighting something really deep, really powerful, and really devilish.  Something my good God needed to fight for me–I couldn’t do it myself.

For my family, I will do almost anything.  I am loyal, and I will fight strongly when I need to for them.  Tonight: My words were chosen carefully, though I was filled with anger.  My heart was steady, though I felt like keeling over.  My hand was certain and did what it needed to do, because my good God was with me.  At the end of it all, I think things turned out alright.  For now.  I hate to be so vague, but when personal family matters are in the picture I feel that privacy is key.  But boy, oh boy, this subject just makes my blood boil and my face feel hot. It’s one of those things.

What I can say is that I am thankful to come home, eat a little snack, and just unwind and let go with my family here.  My husband, who is so comforting and strong when I do feel like the challenge was too great and overtook me.  My sweet baby, who I nursed nearly immediately, who needs me deeply and loves me greatly.  With his darling eyes looking up at me–the whole world feels at ease when I look at him and see his perfect little face.

I hope I don’t have to go to battle like that again soon.  It is hard.  It is harsh.  It is painful.  But sometimes these things are necessary.  Love is difficult.  It is not easy, nor easily ignored.  Love is something you choose and choose wholeheartedly, even in the sour moments. And love is something that God guides us through. To show us what it truly means to love–in moments like this when love seems far away. Father, keep guiding me. Father, show us which way to turn now. Where to go from here.

I love you, though this was difficult.

I love you, and I hope sometime you will see. I love you, though you put us through so much.

-M

Jul 09 2012
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Baby, Family

Taking Baby Out: A Newbie’s Notes


A story of our victories and mishaps with baby in a social setting:

Yes, I am still fervently working on my birth story, I know. I have a nearly finished version of it written up in August’s baby diary.. BUT! While you wait on edge to read that, I have an exciting story for you about our first real time taking baby out to a “grown up” event, something we were scared to do at first, but jumped into anyhow! And it turned out not nearly bad. But mostly great!

So–our friend Reese, whom we met at Cornerstone Festival (which is now over… for good… very, very sad), and who got to see our budding relationship from the sidelines from the very beginning (we met online and met in person for the first time at C-Stone–talk about crazy, right?) was in the area, and so we met up with him and another friend for some catching up!

That would be my husband and Reese, being way too cool on main stage. Anyhow, we were so glad that we could spend some time with Reese once again, and that he could meet our tiny offspring! It’s just amazing that we spent time as a couple at Cornerstone, and then as a married couple, and now we have a baby and it’s great to be able to share that story with someone who also saw the progression going on. Life is nuts as it moves along. Anyhow, we were excited to see friends, but also nervous about taking our sweet baby son, who we are still getting to know and learning all about, out on the town. Here are some things that we learned along the way:

We Love Baby Wearing: And August loves it too. All four of us met up at Thai Gai Yang Cafe, which Troy & I always use as a consistently good fall-back plan for eating out, and indulged in some Thai. Of course, I was nervous about what was going to happen when we got there as baby LOVES to be rocked to sleep by the car, and LOVES to be rocked and bounced while snug against your body in a wrap, but what about when I tried to sit down and enjoy a meal with this sweet little bundle attached to my torso? Well, we had to navigate it. He does not love to sit still, and got hungry, but between the two of us we had it under control. Overall, wearing him made the trip a million and one times better! No heavy carseat to lug him around–although my biceps have been strengthened by fumbling around with it these days, it would have been totally inconvenient on this trip. Thank goodness for baby wearing!

BABY’S HUNGRY… HELP! :
I fully support breastfeeding, and breastfeeding discreetly in public. However, this was not one of those times that I would be partaking in such activities as we were accompanied by two male friends, and I didn’t want to make them feel awkward–no matter how discreet a nursing cover can be… there are instances when things can go awry and you are left exposed. Not what I was going for. So… what’s a breastfeeding mum to do? I thought I was pretty smart, because I packed a freshly pumped bottle for our hungry little caterpillar, and had it ready for him when he was lip-smacking about one hour into our little outing. However, I had failed to remember how UN-friendly most places are to breastfeeding (seriously, even wal-mart doesn’t have a cozy little room with a boppy for breastfeeders to use at their liesure? that’s so… 1800′s or something) and how our child is a cluster-feeder lately. So, he sucked down two ounces of milk and was soon hungry again. We had migrated from our dinner locale to a different little cafe, where we got bubble teas for dessert, and the bathroom was horrifying. There was NO way I was going to attempt to feed my little nursling in there, even in a standing position! It was just gross. (Mental note to self: write up a bad review of the place, for the unsanitary bathroom, even if I do love their bubble teas…) So what did I do? If you’re a male reader, you are going to learn more than you wanted to know perhaps: I had to hand express for my little sweetie. As I was so uncomfortable, no letdown would occur, and the hand pump I conveniently packed in our bag did not do the job. So, I hand-expressed a snack for August, and learned that I at least COULD do this in a dire situation… but it was getting a little scary. He was crying, I could hear him from the bathroom I was in, and hubby was texting me, “Yup, he’s hungry.” all at once. Talk about pressure! In future, I will try to have more milk prepped for him in advance. Or scope out a place with a nice bathroom beforehand at least!

If You Don’t Freak Out, They Won’t Freak Out:
I could “feel” people’s eyes on me during our dinner (the only other diners in the cafe during that time, and their stares were evident) as I wore my little guy and he started to fuss. I think I felt them staring even more when I handed him to dad and got out the bottle so that daddy could feed him. I took a deep breath and did what was counterintuitive to me: I smiled. I wanted to glare and also freak out, because my baby was fussing and we were trying to have a pleasant dinner, but honestly–it’s my baby’s only mode of communication at 6 weeks of age. I think he should be able to use it, and mama should know that he’s not doing it to be rude. So after I thought about that, relaxed myself, and smiled, it seemed things were much better. I made myself sigh a deep sigh and smiled at the other dining individuals, and baby calmed down in no time. In other words, I think that if you’re around people who may not want a baby in their presence, but have no choice, you should smile and make yourself comfortable. Eventually, it may dawn upon them that they were once babies as well, and that mamas with babies need to be social too!

Seeing The Bright Side:
After baby had been fed to full capacity, and after we got him cooled down a little (who knew that STL cafes don’t believe in turning their AC on?!) he was a happy little dude for the rest of our evening! I am convinced that he has a naturally happy temperment because he only fusses really when he needs something or when he is overtired. But I was just amazed! August seemed to want to be social, seemed to need to be around people and watch them and interact. He is just such a wonderful baby and I am one blessed mama. Though we were a little frazzled by all that we had to do in order to take baby out, I know that this was just our very first attempt at it, and everything always gets easier the more you do it. I’d rather take baby out, allow him to experience culture and people, and allow ourselves to get out of the house occasionally, than let our fear of the unknown and unanticipated squelch our needs for community. The bright side is that our baby is a baby (so he has a lot of needs!), but he is a social, joyful one.

I’m excited to keep trying to take him places, to keep doing new things together! It’s been fun.

-M

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Jul 02 2012
1 Comment
Family, Mommyhood, reflection, Spiritual Guidance, Value

The 6th Week of August


Doesn’t that sound like a fabulous title to a book, “The 6th Week of August: When I finally let it go.” ?? Or something like that? Well, I thought so anyway. However, this post is not about a novella, or a clever memoir, but about our little not-so-little guy and how he’s a whopping six weeks old this Friday, and an update on the season our family is going through. We are in the sixth week of his life. The sixth week outside of the womb. So strange, yet so wonderful.

Our weeks are filled with up and down days. In-between and also on-the-verge days. Days that are miraculous and inspire every ounce of awe and fascination that our very first hours with August held, and then days that feel like they were ripped from the pages of a horror story. That’s parenthood, I guess. A startling mix of terror and joy at some points–(Are we doing this right?! Okay… it’s not that big of a deal… or is it?! Is he okay? What is going on!? Oh, no biggie…We can do this.) A mysterious learning experience for all involved. Sometimes we have wonderful family moments that I can’t believe are real and then some days end with my brain feeling like it’s at full capacity and turning to Jell-o, my body feeling so weak and exhausted from certain hours where I can hardly even think about eating, and with a nervous breakdown just around the corner. Didn’t I tell you a long time ago that you’d never find “fake” on this blog? : ) It’s still true: I want to be as authentic as I can be. So that includes sharing the crappy, horrible times with you, along with those blissful, beautiful picture perfect times.

Anyhow, the above photo is a great example of my son’s preferences beginning to bloom! Doesn’t he look a lot like his daddy?! These past few weeks, August has wanted to sleep solely in his carseat. We don’t start him out there, but before the end of our rope is reached, he ends there. We begin in the basinette after a long time spent snoozing in my arms or on my chest, then the vibrating and swinging baby swing, then we make sure he’s swaddled tightly enough to allow his startle reflex to be thwarted.. but in the end, he almost always decides to sleep in his carseat. I am beyond caring about what everyone says of the safety of it, because it’s all we can do to get a little rest and help him to be content. He isn’t an incessant cryer, but he always lets us know what he wants. I think there has only been one or two really loud crying, non-stop wailing sorts of hours this far in his baby career. SO hey, that’s a huge whopping yahoo! Adding to that positive note, he isn’t a HUGE cryer, and he IS a SMILER! Smiley, smiley, baby! Around the 3rd week, he began this little tiny smile that soon grew. This week he spontaneously smiles really often, and I think he may have been smiling back at me today. Ahhh a baby smile. Nothing like it. Nothing so beautiful that I’ve ever seen.

This sixth week has shown me that in everything, my joy will waver and my heart will feel faint if I’m not relying on the One who is bigger than me. The compelling prayer of St. Patrick comes to mind, which someone told me about a long time ago, a portion of it goes something like this: “Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me.” I don’t usually enjoy a repetitive prayer style, but this one really makes sense and comforts me. Christ has gone before me, He’s in front of me, He’s got my back, and He’s behind me. Pretty awesome. Moreover, hubs & I watched a sermon yesterday by Francis Chan. Our family is in a time of life when things could go many different ways, and we want to be wise and ask God what he thinks before we ask ourselves what we want. We have choices to make. What do we want out of this life? Ultimately, if it isn’t what He wants too, we’re doomed. Nothing from a human heart, aside from God’s guidance and direction, will move toward good things. We are selfish, and I believe that if our hearts are left to themselves we will only try to meet our own ends. Nothing for others, nothing eternally satisfying, but always trying to get the next thing. The next thing to meet the needs that we have–deep needs that earthly stuff can never meet. So… this Francis Chan sermon was really good. Really gripping, made me question things, made me ask myself what I think I need in this life. What do I really need? What do you really need?

More later.

-M

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Jun 13 2012
1 Comment
Family, Mommyhood, Pregnancy

Our Baby: August Irvin


(This is a bit belated, please do forgive me. You know, I’ve been doing all of this mothering stuff–and looks like it’s a lot of work! : ) But oh so worth it)


(This photo was taken by the staff at our birthing center the day after he was born)

The little man himself, the one we have been anticipating so long, finally, painstakingly entered this world at 9:38 p.m. on Friday, May 25! I remember how relieved I was to see him, to see his cute little face, hear his first cries, and to feel the immediate and overwhelming love I had for him gushing into my soul. I was relieved because of what a long, tiresome process our birth turned into–and after such a long wait (41 weeks and 5 days, darn it!) he was all I cared about.

I loved him instantly with more passion, more zeal, and more motherly firey fury to protect than I thought possible. Oh, but it was. Entirely possible, and all growing by the minute as I write.

(Look how much he changed in just a week or so! The birth center staff took this one later on, when we came back for a visit.)

Let me tell you, he’s cute! Do you see those amazing cheeks? Yup. I love to kiss them so much it’s just incredible.

He’s cuddly.

He can scream (loudly) and shriek, coo and squeal.

He poops.. a lot more than I could’ve ever thought. OF course. But hey, I’m proud of those good breastfed poops that mean he’s really healthy and gaining weight as he should be!

His eyes are this brownish gray color, and when he looks at me I feel like I’m the only person on the planet that matters to him (hmm… doesn’t that sound an awful lot like how my husband made me feel when we first fell in love? Yep! Already following in daddy’s footsteps) and he fascinates me. I wonder what he’s thinking, and what he dreams when he sleeps. When he’s awake, he intently studies my face as though he has just seen it for the first time, especially when I make faces at him and talk to him. Amazing.

Troy is so involved. He’s doing everything he can to learn the ropes and be a good daddy, learning how to nurture, learning how to love on this tiny little being. He’s doing a fantastic job and I couldn’t be more proud of both of them when I look into August’s room and see dad rocking him and staring at him. What a beautiful thing to see.

He is teaching me so many things. Most of all, right now, how to be patient with myself and with him. How to let my schedule go (as if I had one) and just roll with the punches of babyhood. How to allow the dishwasher to stay unloaded and let that load of laundry stay where it is for a little while longer because those things hardly matter much in these early days. How to let my guard down and enjoy him and being a mother. And everything that means. Troy & I are learning how to communicate with a little one around, and how vital it is that we continue to communicate. That we take time in the evenings for ourselves when he’s sleeping for awhile. That we help one another and learn how to express frustration (which abounds these days) in a healthy, and unaccusing way. It’s a good process, we’re a good team even on the rough days.

Mostly, we are so thankful.

That’s all for now, but there’s more to come, and I’ll eventually write our birth story. Promise!

-M

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May 24 2012
2 Comments
Family, Photography

At the Birthing Center


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May 23 2012
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Appreciation, Environment, Family, Value

Saving Turtles


Today, the hubby & I were driving back from a fairly nice (though so early it was rough) morning together for a baby appointment. We had lunch together, and just enjoyed each other’s company. As we neared home, things were good… when suddenly… “Was that a turtle?” He noticed a turtle making its small, slow way across the middle of the road. We looked with panic at one another, since we were on a busy road, and I declared, “Turn it around, baby, we have to save that turtle. Someone will hit it!” A few more moments of horror followed as we saw many trucks and cars speed our way (what were they thinking, driving the speed limit while a tiny turtle was on the road?!) and Troy even said, “Close your eyes… I don’t know if it’s even alive!”

Thankfully, we saw mister/miss turtle alive and well, but it gave us a good scare. Before we pulled over to the side of the road, we saw about four vehicles drive by–and the turtle was RIGHT between their tires. One vehicle swerving off a bit, and it would’ve been a goner.

Hubby put on our emergency lights. I waited in stunned anticipation–hoping we weren’t took late! I watched as he picked up the turtle, put it safely into a gulley on the other side of the road, and jumped back in our car. “And stay there, turtle!” Apparently the turtle hissed as he was lifted out of danger and into a soft bed of grass.

I’m thankful. We had an adventure, and saved a little life. What could be better?

-M

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May 20 2012
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Creativity, Education, Family, Value

Education Can Nurture Creativity


As a storm decided to roll into view through my dining room windows, I decided to cuddled up on the couch and watch this fascinating TED talk:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

It is so encouraging.  I watched eagerly, and my heart filled with the joy that is new learning, fascinating angles to see the world from, and new possibilities for the future.  One of the things I love to think about when it comes to God is His creative nature.  How that is seen everywhere, in nearly everything if you allow it to be.  I see it most often in kids that I interact with.  Children are meant to be educated in a way that is kind to their natural inclinations.  Our education system, so sadly, often pushes children into a big wooden crate, filled with only a few subjects available for study, and nails the lid on to trap them.  The children must then pick and choose from a meager offering of “acceptable” interests and courses, which in turn smoosh out their minds’ curiosities.  Thankfully, my parents helped to expose me to a lot of things during my life: music, culture, and we were blessed to travel–these opportunities nurtured many of the interests I still hold dear as an adult.  But I can’t say that my education in the U.S. did the same.  Boring worksheets… homework assignments for the sake of homework… and tests that didn’t truly measure any kind of development bombarded my schooldays.  I remember thinking at an early age (9, maybe?) “This seems so pointless…” 

This video shows there is so much more.  It’s hilarious, it’s inspirational, it’s true.  Our educational system needs to get up to speed with the way the world is now, not how it was 50 years ago. Artists, thinkers, creators, the active minds–these are the people who will solve our looming real world problems.  Take a minute to watch it–I promise you won’t be disappointed.

-M

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