Category Archives: Conscientious

Mar 26 2013
1 Comment
Conscientious, Education, reflection

Fight The System, Then Get Some Sleep.


The theme that runs rampant in my life, like an overgrown invasive species (I envision Kudzu, because it’s everywhere all over Illinois and I know it takes over every living thing like crazy) branching out so effortlessly in many places, would have to be “Fighting The System.”  We question a lot of things in our household–I feel we are in an era where we must think for ourselves, discuss things, not let the media and popular belief choose for us what we will do with our lives.  There is a lot that you can lose by believing everything you see, or by being led astray by the notion that you can just trust corporations, brands, marketing, advertising, commercials, etc.  On the contrary, most of them are lying to your face as they smile a toothy, perfectly white, smile.  Greedily motivated by money, in many cases, these corporations are not trustworthy, (unfortunately, also including the medical profession in many cases) and you must do your own research and learn your own lessons if you are to be a wise consumer in any way.

So when it comes to life, we are conscientious, captive-minded consumers.  By captive-minded (hence the name of this blog), I mean we keep our minds keenly aware of our environments and we hold our mind’s captive to be educated and learn things worthwhile.  We try to sleep with one eye open and be wary of new trends or new ideas until we’ve thoroughly investigated them.  We listen to a sermon or sit in an audience with our eyes on the speaker, but our brains still working.  We don’t take their word as God’s word, we go weigh what was said against scripture.  Anyhow, we don’t want to be meanhearted, but we want to seek truth.  I have noticed lately that I can get really cynical, really upset about the state of our world.  I can feel so distraught that I cannot simply trust people with my child, trust what people will do for him and how he will be taken care of… and really angry that all food is not good food–not even most of it.  But you know what?  My hope isn’t here.  My hope is not in God’s Green Earth, as much as I do love it.  I love the earth, I want to recycle, and I want it to last for future generations.  But as much as I do, I also realize that humankind has a destructive, irrational gene in  its makeup: where we should be content, we try for just a bit more.  When we should be happy with one handful, we take two.  So I must know, as long as this world is a broken wreck that God has to restore, it will not be everything I hope for it to be.  Motivations will be twisted.  Ecosystems destroyed.  Lives lost to greedy wants and wishes.  I can try to save my son from every contaminant, poison, and cleaning supply that was invented… but he will be touched by some of it simply by living in this world.

My hope is not in fighting the system.  My hope is in the fact that it’s a broken one.  This is not, and never will be, how my life and this world were created.  I believe in a God who created a system that works together so beautifully, so symbiotically and systematically, that it can do nothing other than show us a peek at the Creator’s glory.  A speck of what is to be.  I await the day when creation and creator will be reconciled.  My hope is in the return of Christ, in His continual work within me, and His love for all humanity.  That deep within us, there is a story that speaks of more.  We are all trying to fill that void, and those who greedily stuff things deep into their pockets at the expense of others (or rainforests, or babies, or puppies..) are trying to do the same thing.  They want more, more, more, because they know in their heart of hearts that they were meant for more than this mere bleak existence that they may be experiencing.

So I will be an activist.  I will continue to speak for things that I believe in.  I will fight the system with gusto!  With fervor!  With passion!  I am a zealot for many topics, namely: real food, saving the lives of unborn babies, and issues of education & parenting.  But I have to realize at the end of the night, my hope and my soul rest in more than these things, and that I have done what I can.  Recently, I have really been wrestling with vaccines.  August is currently vaccinated, but the more I read, the more weary I feel.  The more I know, the more burdened I feel his tiny body is with the weight of the chemicals and nasty additives going into his system.  I know that I was vaccinated and I turned out okay.  I know that Troy was also.  But still there is a big, huge doubt.  It seems like a vicious cycle and evil necessity… Something I don’t want to do but feel pressure to.  I know that there are many diseases that would probably be killing mass portions of our populations these days if people were not vaccinated against them.  My counsin reminded me about Polio, and how so many probably wish a vaccination was invented when they were dealing with that crippling disease.  Without a vaccination, these may still be huge issues of our time.  But still, I see so much wrong with vaccinations.  Why do babies have to be injected with things that contain such nasty ingredients?  Mercury?  Aluminum?  I’m horrified.  Not to mention that we have no idea how Autism, Cancer, and Alzheimer’s Disease really come to be.  It scares me.  This is a place where I have to trust God.  This is a place where I have to do my best, do my part, and then shut off the lights and get some sleep.

Mothers are asked to be everything.  Waitress.  Chauffeur.  Counselor.  Referee.  Friend.  Nutritionist.  Comforter.  Jungle-Gym.  The list could go on forever and ever.  Quality time and quantity time are so different, and I am doing the best I can.  So I must fight the system in my ways, I must do what I feel is necessary to make informed decisions, but then I must put my hope in higher ground.  Not in others’ opinions, not in trends and tradition.  I cannot wear myself to the bone and then some.  My hope is in Christ.  And in Him I can let my hair down, cry my eyes out, or talk until I have nothing left to say, I can be everything I know I am and still be accepted.

All my love,

-M

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Mar 10 2013
2 Comments
Conscientious, Family, Feminism, Gender Roles, Justice, Mommyhood, Womanhood

The Impact of Raising Kids With Strict Gender Guidelines


(from personal observation)

This is a long-winded one, but if you stick with me and see it through, I hope it will be a thought-provoking journey, at least.

Our world seems to enjoy boxing people into roles, stereotypes, labels, etc. American culture, specifically what I’ve seen in rural American culture, sticks to these kinds of guidelines a bit too stringently for my liking. The church really, really loves doing this kind of thing–and I’m SICK of that, I might add. Sometimes, these snap judgements seem like they could be really useful tools–they keep things simple for your brain, so you’re able to just quickly write something off. Less pain for your brain, easily sorting everything into tidy little spots in society, but not necessarily the truth. They make everything seem very black and white, strictly speaking, and “just the facts, ma’am.” But if you look at yourself, if you look deeply, and if you also look at your life, maybe things shouldn’t be quite so stuck. That maybe, that’s not how the world really turns.

And by stuck, I mean that these guidelines are not be doing us any favors from where I stand. Cookie cutter molds from which to build our peripheral ideas and hopes about other people, other women and men, are not helping but in fact are hurting us at our very core. From looking around me, from looking at the relationships I have and the friendships I’ve built, I think that the gender roles rules need to be kicked to the curb: once and for all. Hello, I am that woman who will not force pink and purple flowered skirts on my daughter if that isn’t her liking, and Oh, hi there–I’m the feminist chick who will truly squeal with delight when my son creates his first dinnertime meal and serves it with pride. And I will never, never ever, give him “boy toys” like hammers and building sets, without giving him a kitchen to play with or something more neutral such as blocks and stuffed animals. And if he wants to carry a baby around and take care of it, my mothering soul will be proud that I have set such a wonderful, nurturing example for him.

Anyhow. The big kicker here is this: How you raise your sweet baby girl or sweet baby boy, is the expectation they will have of the world–FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. The actions, the roles, the responsibilities that your little sponge is soaking up will resonate within them as the truth. The toys that they are given, shows that they watch, the music they hear, the way you self-love or self-hate.. they will have a perfect blue-print of what they think they’re supposed to emulate. Translation: If you’re a momma, and you do all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning, or if you’re a poppa, and you do all long hours of working, all the physically demanding labor, and have never lifted a finger to team up with your wife in a messful of kitchen, then your child will likely follow suit and demand the world to do so as well. When other people, specifically in this case probably your child’s future spouse, do not fit so tidily within these walls of examples, all hell breaks loose. It does not have to be like that.

These people (and I am one of them) who are not stuck in any one mold very tightly (I tend to have a personality that exhibits many male-typical traits & am a born leader in my own opinion, and I am a lot less domestic in many ways than some women are raised to be) a problem will certainly arise. There will be a clash, a contradiction between two worlds, and it will take a very long, long time for both people to reconcile. My husband and I were raised very differently. He was raised in a home where gender roles were very, very strictly followed. My home was a lot more egalitarian, though I do still believe I missed out on many important life skills I would like to learn now (read: changing a tire, or being able to sew), and I am not blaming my parents for these things. They did a great job. My hubby’s parents did a good job too–we just came from entirely different worlds, with entirely different priorities. Needless to say, there were many hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and painful fights in our first year of marriage because of gender roles gone awry. I hope that through our parenting and our observation of God’s design, we can nip that in the bud for our son.

I understand where tradition lies on the spectrum of very important pieces of personal history–traditions are what often make life special, give it meaning, make us feel connected to our past. At least, traditions in my understanding, through my life lens. However, I do not adhere to tradition for its own sake–I will forsake the “same old way” for a “new and more effective, efficient way,” in a heartbeat if I have made the analysis that a change will be positive and helpful. I do a lot of reading and investigating to glean out what the best way may be. The same is true for gender roles–I have looked, inspected, introspected, outwardly glanced, picked up the scriptures, discussed with many people… I just cannot grasp how some people will raise their children without a thought about how gender roles impact them. The world bombards men and women every day, mostly through advertising, and tells them what they will do, what they will say, and how to behave. Women are driven to see themselves as a sex object, when it boils down. Men are pushed to be fearless and impermeable, insusceptible to emotions and hurt. These things rob us of the people God designed us to be, and leave us yearning for more with a deeply buried insecurity that we carry like a huge weight slung over our shoulder. Perhaps not nearly realizing how much it impacts us–so many people carry this with them wherever they go, but it needn’t be so. You can awaken. You can understand that you are not your sex, you are not your gender. You are a child of God with uniquely given gifts and abilities–you do not have to buy, sell, trade, train, or squish yourself into a mold based on the image you see all around you of what the “Woman” or “Man” must do. These roles are irrelevant in many cases. Though they are mostly stereotypes and expectations of society, I will also say that women are often born mothers, wheras men seem to be learned fathers, or nurturers. Many men think that it’s “only a woman’s thing,” or that he isn’t expected to learn to nurture. Not the case, in my eyes. I think many men were never shown by their father-figure exactly what it means to be a nurturing man. Therefore, they always thought that would come from their mother. My husband is one of the most nurturing people I know, but he had to get past his early suppositions in order to embrace that. I had to realize that I am a self-starter when it comes to negotiating with people in a business-environment, and also trying to haggle with some of our utilities providers on the phone, and I am a leader in this way. If I had kept expecting my husband (who knows why? I guess I perceived it as a guy’s thing to do? ) to do these things, we’d both be going crazy, forced into roles which we did not fit.

So what does this all mean for our children? I would like to suggest a wild and crazy notion of forsaking traditional ways, forsaking what your television is telling you, forsaking the industries who are trying to sell you things (ahem… all of those toys and all of the crap you don’t need, which vividly supports gender roles: Dora, Bob the builder (ugh!), Barbie, and action figures like Spiderman…) are not trying to help your child or love them. They are trying to make $$. That is their bottom line–yeah, yeah, yeah, we can all argue about how our kids need action heros and adventure, okay I get that ( I like spiderman) but really… they want to make a quick buck. The more your child wants to be like superman or barbie, the more your child watches and consumes their products, the more money they make. And the less satisfied your child is going to be with who they are–as a woman or a man. I would like to suggest a crazy turnaround of allowing the “world” to suggest for us what our children should be like, and instead do a more inquiry-based playtime with our kids, where they are encouraged to explore all kinds of textures, shapes, experiences… without putting gender as their top priority. The world is made up of so many more things, and creativity blossoms without so many boundaries. Give your child the options. Also, inquiry-based with a dose of real world would also be a step towards better things: allowing your child to cook beside you. Lifting up the hood of your car and showing your kid all of the parts of the engine, etc. Boy & girl. NOT just boys. NOT just girls. We shouldn’t be stealing tools and resources that our children need to have in real life, so that they can come to expect another person to meet those needs for them. That is a huge, HEAVY load. ALL of our kids should be capable in as many areas of living as possible. Not just what our social circles say is acceptable for their gender.

Here is a bit of what I hope to do to help my child thrive in his God-given talents and personality, as a sweet little boy:

1) We have been very, very adamant about NO television for August. I don’t think it’s evil, I think advertising is evil–and there is a huge difference. Point blank. We watch PBS in our home (newly) and listen to NPR. We also listen to a wide array of music. He does not need television to stimulate his brain even more, and all the research shows that he does not need it or learn from it until after age 2. He does not need advertising to tell him what he doesn’t have and needs to have to be happy. He does not need to see the guy with massive muscles that he “should” look like. He will not suffer in the least without these things.

2) I always want him to have a choice in things, if he is able to make those choices. I don’t want him to feel like we are forcing things on him, especially gender-stereotyped things. Activities will not be optional once he gets to a certain age, because we want him to socialize and discover the things that he excels in, but he will choose if its basket weaving or soccer. I will support him in either.

3) As much as we are able, hubby & try to share the load across genders. He does the laundry when he is able and often on weekends, we both clean the house (I do more of this right now, because I am home almost full time with August) but Troy is really much more thorough with cleaning than I could ever hope to be! We must fully own that we are August’s biggest example, and so we have to get out of our comfort zones. I will mow the lawn, and I will learn how to check the oil in our van. I will do things that I am physically able to do. And Troy will carry him around on his back in a springy green Ergo even though it doesn’t make him feel “manly.” He will cook dinner for our family and be proud of it, because a guy can rock at cooking, too. And.. Because we share the load as parents, not as unequal partners.

4) I will encourage my child to see role models in both genders. I’ve had an old-man crush on John Miur for a very long time, probably my early years of highschool, and I respected him for the peaceful protester he is. I hope he will be fascinated with Madame Curie or Condi when he is in his formative years.

5) I will hunt for biblical truth, and not accept mainstream ideas that many churches seem to be having about roles within the church. They are not biblical, and they are not fair to women in who they are in Christ. I feel so strongly about this that I do not attend my old church anymore. I liked many things about it, but their ideas about gender was not one of them.

I feel that the roles we are expected to fill, the shoes we are expected to walk in, can be touchy touchy topics.  It hits people deep down, and they get offended.  I realize that.  But I also realize that it can be lifechanging to realize that these are not very valid reasons to live the way we do.  If you realized that your wife was better at something than you, but you always forced yourself to do it anyhow, it sounds like the recipe for disaster to me.  The same goes for any woman who would choose, every night, to make dinner (even if she’s really bad at it) even though her husband really loves it deep down, and can produce top-notch dinners.  And at the end of the day, I think we should all be sufficient.  Sad as I am to think about it, someday I may not have my husband.  I don’t want to be totally inapable of filling all of the roles he used to fill around our home.  I want us each to be confident and have the life skills we need–gender roles trap us into thinking we need someone else to provide many things for us.

One last thought on this topic, speaking spiritually.  I can give you a million ways that Jesus countered his very male-dominant culture.  I think a lot of people are very set in their ways on this polarizing issue, but during my last year at Greenville College, I had to do a very in-depth investigation about this topic and what Jesus really exhibited through his actions.  Through my studies with my fellow students, I uncovered what I believe very adamantly to be truth.  It was the first time I really, really took a hard long look at what Jesus thought of women and their role: The bleeding woman that he healed is probably the most beautiful example that I can give ((Mark 5:21-43, Matthew 9:18-26, Luke 8:40-56) of a savior who allows a woman who is thought of as “unclean,” completely cut off as a pariah by her fellow people because of her bleeding disorder… to touch him… she was accepted by Him.  Then another example when He speaks to the Samaritan woman at the well, that crosses all lines within his Jewish culture.  Women were very much the “lesser” citizen in Jesus’ day, but he made every effort to tear that down.  My final thought on this would be Jesus’ words: they were often very feminine and used motherly symbolism.  Men of that day just didn’t speak in such a tone.  He spoke of being a mother hen who gathers her chicks about her, in Luke 13:34.  I love that symbolism.  Even a dude in present day would rarely speak like that, so tenderly.  Anyhow, if you have any more questions about any of this, please ask.  Here’s a link that may help explain these beliefs further: http://www.jesuscentral.com/ji/life-of-jesus-modern/jesus-feminist.php.

All my love,

-M

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Nov 29 2012
1 Comment
Appreciation, Conscientious, Creativity, reflection

The Fight: Thankful Hearts and Minds


Lets be honest about thankfulness–the human heart is trampled constantly by unthankfulness. 

It comes on slowly, like the tide coming in.

Littls bits of it surface, and we see them, and we’re just like, “Oh, I see that over there.  It’s no threat right now…  I can keep on just the way I was, because it’s such a small amount anyhow.  I can easily keep out of its path.”  So we truck on, walking or trudging towards wherever we’re off to.

Woosh.  Wham.  Then it hits hard and steady, surges of it coming on there and here.  It’s easy for me to envision our society as tiny hermitcrabs on the crest of a wave, swiftly being pulled outward into the open, wide mouth of the sea.  Being whisked along willingly by a beckoning wash of discontent–willingly until we feel the tight grasp the tide has upon our hearts and ourselves as a whole.  The icy grip of something that is so far from human, so far from the warmth of relationship–so controlling and crushing.  We don’t like that scary feeling once it has sunk its claws deep into ourselves: When our social media and commercialism claw at our rhythms of life, grasping toward our very purposes.  When we center ourselves around the latest conversation about some idea off in the distance with people who we hardly even know.  When we’re obsessed by the latest thing coming out that we have yet to afford.  It sucks you in.  It sucks me in.

When we realize this metaphoric occurrance has taken place, it’s something we have to dig ourselves out of, if we’re even able to be conscious of it.  It seems to me that most people are unwilling to admit what a hold it’s got on them.  Like they don’t want to be accused of having such an obsession as the lives of others.  But I think it’s there for most people, deep down.  We want to feel known, and we try to replace feeling known by God with feeling known by others.  Whether or not they are “real” and intimate friends–or if they’re just numbers on a facebook account.  I think I have to prune myself with sharp shears of intentionality often if I am to keep myself from going asunder into the ravaged lands of discontent.  It’s really hard.  Our commercial world has this way of creeping into every facet of what we do.  I just undid myself with social media in one aspect by removing myself from facebook a few weeks ago.  Nearly every day I wonder what’s going on in that little chasm which has become so deeply ingrained in most of us these days.  But the longer I stay away, the more I try to presently be in my own life, presently do my tasks with concentration, the easier it is to stay away from it.  I think back to the feelings it gave me of inadequacy, of being incomplete… probably partially because I was stuck between two worlds: the cyber-world of things and people I am not currently around, and the one I’m actually in but sometimes only half-way a part of.  I also felt inadequate because I wanted to really connect with others, not just facebook them to see what’s up in their lives.

This sucks the life out of life.  It simply drains conversations, ideas, thoughts.  We become these passive observers of our lives instead of active participants vibrantly attuned to what we are doing and where we’re at.  We stop being able to discern why we’re doing things or if we’re effective.  In essence, we start living in an alternate universe.

Think I’m being extreme?  Maybe.  But I don’t think I’m far off.  If you look, I don’t think you’ll have to dig too deeply to find something like this near to you.

So what can I do to fight for thankfulness in my own heart, and to fill my thoughts with joyful and thankful ones, thoughts for God’s purposes for my life?  When I’m really struggling, I have to pause and ask God to really grip me.  Take me captive.  Show me who he is.  Because I know I cannot do this alone.  Spending time with my family also reminds me to be thankful.  Reflecting on my life and all of those blessings that I take for granted lately.

I feel like God gives us all opportunities to see the world through another’s eyes.  I try to take those chances, and to actively realize where I should be thankful for what I have.  I’m sure sometimes others see my life and think the same thing.  We can show reflections to one another.

Fighting for my heart and mind to be capable of thankfulness and to embrace and rejoice in what God’s given me also means that I must remove myself from things, people, and places I know will tempt me towards unthankfulness, jealousy, and self-seeking pleasures that are really not helpful.  I try to focus on those things that I know will be edifying, that I know will be eternal, and I know will leave me with a deep contentment. Some of these are simple, like just sitting down in my dining room and having a cup of hot tea, and breathing deeply.  Actively speaking the truth of thankfulness to myself, reminding myself of what God did for our family that day.  Others things are more outwardly serving, like as bringing a meal for a friend or listening to someone when I really feel like telling them I’m too busy right now.

How do you fight for your thankfulness?

“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Colossians 3:15-17.

All my love,

-M

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Nov 19 2012
4 Comments
Conscientious, Education, Environment, Food Activism, Nutrition

Health Nut Mama


“But that’s the challenge — to change the system more than it changes you.” 
―    Michael Pollan,    The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals

There is something so fascinating to me about foods and supplements as the body’s natural source for replenishment. 

I am astounded by the bounty of resources that God’s provided to us for many purposes, and also equally surprised that so many people do not use or belive in this capability.  Not only that, but I am continually hearing about new ways of prepping, combining, growing, cooking or not cooking, fermenting, and harvesting food for its best fuel return.  It’s a true passion, and a hobby of science experiements for me.  Some turn out fabulously, others not so much.  The point, for me, is just to venture into the new in hopes of a discovery for our family.

I would love to do an actual life update for us soon, including some cute photos of our little six-month wonder, but that’ll have to wait for another day.  We’re going to visit a local dairy this evening in hopes of getting a jug of raw milk to try, so I’ve got a lot to do before then!  So, I’ll leave a little list here of things we’re trying to experiment with, and some interesting reading in book and website form.  Hope you enjoy as much as I have.

Nourishing Traditions: Against the grain of the “Diet Dictocrats,” Sally Fallon questions everything about the American way of eating, circa the industrial revolution.  She goes against the grain recommending real butter, NOT eating vegetable oils in large amounts (really gives me some food for thought), and many other habits which are not thought of as normal these days.  Truly interesting, and if I were to embrace it, a close-to-180 degree turnaround for our family ideology, especially when it comes to healthy oils.

Food Renegade: One of my favorite new blogs, this website is a complete treasure trove of foodie goodness!!!  This chick is one inspired lady, if you read her about section you’ll see how deep her love of food runs, and the purpose that fuels her.

Homemade Butter: How awesome is this?  It’s so much simpler than I ever imagined… I envisioned a woman in a bonnet dressed in old-timey pioneer day attire, churning away at a bucket or barrel for hours.  Ha!

Kombucha: I tried this wierdly fizzy and somewhat sour drink a few years ago, and have thought of it a few times since.  I didn’t particularly enjoy the flavor of the one I had, purchased from a health store.  After reading about the health properties, and particularly the historic background,  I think I want to try making my own at home.  If you get into the reading, you’ll start wondering if you’re learning about a health drink, or an alien life form… but I guess the nerdy gal in me loves that aspect of it!

Last, but certainly not least, the thought of Raw Milk.  The link begins to describe some of why this is important.  A part of me is scared to go unpasteurized, and I think up terrifying ideas of sickness and foodbourne ailments, but the arguments make a lot of sense.  I’m really excited to get to this local dairy and try some milk from their cows.  Unpasteurized, very fresh milk.  The thought that our nation takes all of the fats out of milk, heats it up, and then adds nutrients that are difficult for the body to digest… really grosses me out.  Another attempt of American food scientists at making a historic, almost unbelievable, shelf-life for foods that should be fresh.  I hope to learn more about this and share as I do.

What are you and your family trying, experimenting with, or loving?  Is there anything you’ve tried, and really hated?  Lemme know!

–M

“[Government] regulation is an imperfect substitute for the accountability, and trust, built into a market in which food producers meet the gaze of eaters and vice versa.” 
―    Michael Pollan,    In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto

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Sep 10 2012
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Conscientious, Family, Priorities, Value

It only takes a minute, sometimes.


I picked up the phone.  I was going to call my grandparents, but I didn’t know exactly what to say.  I went over a possible conversation in my head, thought about all that was going on currently, and decided it would probably be better to just wing it with a big dose of heartfelt love.  In those moments on the phone, I didn’t say anything deep and moving to my last living set of grandparents.  I didn’t tell them anything profound, and they didn’t transmit a generation’s worth of wisdom into my brain magically.  However, those moments were very important.

I want my interactions with others to be meaningful.  So much, sometimes, that I forget that I don’t have to overthink them.  I don’t have to put  them painstakingly together.  I want to make each action and discussion important and make it worthwhile.  But it could be that I’m missing one important factor: just being there, in a moment.  When I called my grandpa, I wished him a happy grandparents’ day.  I said that I love him, and that I miss him.  That I was thinking of him.  He said that truly means the world to him.  It was a very sweet, tender moment.

Then I got off the phone with him.  My grandma told me that I had made my gramps very happy, just by calling.  My mom later told me that he had tears in his eyes.  A phone call had meant so much.  I didn’t do anything monumental or sacrifical for him, and I didn’t go far out of my way.  A ten minute phone call–is that really good enough?  The problem with me, sometimes, is that I cook up this grandiose plan that is so involved and innovative.  I think of how awesome it would be if I could follow through and make it happen.  Sometimes I do these things for others, and then other times they fall through.  I create this big template for how to care for others but I forget that simple everyday actions mean so much more most of the time.

A minute.  Ten minutes.  A phone call.  Important.  My gramps has kidney disease now, and it’s progressing.  The age-old truth that we are mortals, that we won’t last forever, is ringing true.  It’s so hard to see another person vanish and become someone that is only half of the person you knew them to be–but it seems to be a good reminder for me take each day and live it with love.  He has to have home assistance now–he was in the hospital this past weekend, because of a blood clot that was caused by a fall he took a few weeks back.  He told me that this thing is trying to whip him, but that he wasn’t going to let it.  Oh how I love his attitude!

And as it always has been for me, he’s a true picture of a great man.  He speaks with kindness to his family and others.  He lived his life in moments, not too busy for me or too wrapped up in his own affairs.  I want to be that kind of mom, friend, wife.  I can recall so many memories from my childhood that he was able to share life with me in the simple, little pleasures of everyday things.  He took a few minutes to show me his stamp collection.  He took awhile to catch a bunch of frogs with me one summer.  We’d write letters back and forth, and he would type them on his cool typewriter.  These are the things I will never forget about him, and these are the minutes that made a world of difference in my childhood.  He has a great legacy of kindness.  Of whistling while he worked.  Of a cheerful and joyful heart.

We have to live in those minutes, in those seconds that we have with one another–because our life is made up of them.

Moments that come and go in just a flash. 

Our lives will not last forever, and so we must take those seconds and make them count!  Constantly checking cell phones, thinking of tomorrow, planning our escapes.  Is this how we want to be?  I feel like it’s a constant tug of war over our brains and affections.  And if we breathe… if we let go… if we realize that our very lives depend on one another and the tiny fragments of being that we hold on to with each other, we will recall that true living involves very little but means so very much.

-M

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May 19 2012
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Conscientious, Education, Mommyhood, Pregnancy, reflection, Value, Womanhood

Decisions, decisions


Hello again, here I am again.  Pouring my thoughts like so many bright colors of oozing paint onto a blank canvas, then stepping back to see what will come of it.  This canvas has a LOT of paint on it… let me tell you– this post contains a bit of of birth jargon and fun medical mumbo-jumbo.  You have been warned.  : )

These days have been about distraction, lest we allow ourselves to succumb to madness: Distraction from myself and my headful of thoughts–there’s so much at the end here that’s happening!  From this neverending yet certainly ending soon–pregnancy.  Distraction from people who mostly, probably, certainly mean well but who occasionally make my head hurt with questions, demands, etc. questioning my ability to be a mother and birth properly.. Hmph…. Distraction from the decisions we will have to make shortly.  You see what I’m getting at, I’m sure.

Here are a few upcoming decisions for the Irvins, just to name some: circumcision (ugh, such a hard choice! The AAP is so non-committal about all of it, and most people I talk to base their reason for circumcising on what their husband had done, or what they think is normal… which is all well and good to take into account, but not a solid reason for us to allow a medical procedure, which is irreversible, to be performed on our son… ), medical interventions (to induce, to wait it out…. the pros, the cons?) changing my mind or sticking to our original plan (we’re scheduled to begin induction with Cervidil  on Tuesday, but depending on how far along things are, we may call it off). 

Everything happened in a flash… We were taken by surprise at my last appointment when we found that I am only at 1 cm dilated, which is where I was at 36 weeks, and a little more than 50% effaced.  This is astounding, but there’s nothing I can do to help it along.  I’ve been taking all of the things my midwife has given me, Evening Primrose, a special “Labor Induce” tincture, etc… but my body is doing what it’s doing.  I will be at 41 weeks tomorrow, and my body is not showing signs of labor.  That doesn’t mean it’s not going to go into labor though!  But we were sitting there last week, discussing so many ifs, ands, whens… and suddenly we had made an appointment for a tentative.. induction…. That word makes me freak out.  I hate it.  It makes me feel like I’m going in to have my nails painted because I can.  There are lots of inductions, I know, and some more gentle or natural than others, but I just never imagined I’d be here.  I guess this is where the advice to “prepare for the unexpected” comes in–so I’m trying to keep my cool and just trust God to know what’s going down, even when I totally don’t.

As of now I am torn, and here’s my predicament: I want as natural a birth as possible–the first medical intervention that occurs leaves many more opportunities for further intervention.  Example:  Cervidil, the artificial prostaglandin that I may be administered, may (or may not) create contractions that really, really hurt (along with ripening my cervix)… just like Pitocin (an artifical form of oxytocin), and which can put the baby under distress.  If contractions get too strong, which they often do with artificial means, the baby does not handle them well and the heart rate may become abnormal.

This process may (so many mights or might-nots!) put me through so much pain that I need pain relief drugs, a narcotic (a nubain cocktail is what my midwife usually uses) or an epidural (my absolute LAST resort, absolutely…) Then… if contractions continue to be very strong, the baby could be critically distressed and –BAM–that’s how the majority of C-Sections happen for mamas and babies… not something I ever want to happen. In fact, my worst nightmare. Of course I know I’ll likely be okay if these things happen, but I really don’t want them to. But, I also see that there are extenuating circumstances.  When the baby is at all at risk, all of my natural birth hopes go down the crapper.  Nothing is more important than getting baby A here, safely.  But there are such toss-ups!  I firmly believe that science and OB’s know hardly anything about a pregnant woman’s body.  They know hardly anything about pregnancy and what’s “normal.”  There IS no normal–but everyone wants to label things in a certain range… humans love to do that for some reason. 

Anyhow, I realize I still didn’t get down to what the real toss-up decision is here!  Here it is: My body could still spontaneously go into labor, even after another week of being pregnant.  At 42 weeks and 2 days I could pop him out!  But… there are a lot of risks involved after 41 weeks, many professionals say.  The placenta is not meant to last forever, and after 41 weeks it seems to fair more poorly in functioning.  The baby has more risk of passing meconium (its first little baby poop) which can be inhaled and cause problems breathing where it must be sucked out of the lungs.  Ahem. See what I mean? 

There’s also another factor hubs & I have had to consider: I need my midwife.  She will not be available certain days and I do not think that’s a good reason for me to do an “elective induction” as this would be called, but I also don’t trust the other providers.  The two doctors aren’t really natural-birth minded at all, and the other midwife just didn’t seem to mesh with my personality.  My midwife is so calm, so collected.  She’s like a gentle giant who I trust with my life.  So I really want her there at my baby’s delivery if at all possible. But is this the best thing for my baby?  Is this the best thing for my body?  God designed it to work properly and there’s no reason it can’t.  I’m healthy, baby’s healthy, and yet it’s quite a stab in the dark wondering where the risk increases.

(insert big huge sigh) I need God’s guidance.  I need His peace more than anything.  I’ve been asking, and there are moments of restfulness when I feel completely confident that we will know what to do when it comes time.  But then there are moments of intense panic when I worry that something bad will happen.

 I know that I am more educated than many women my age who have labored, and I’m not saying that out of pride–it’s the truth.  I was interested in the medicalization of childbirth in America, and the birth process in general, before I was pregnant, so I knew a few things, but I really dove in during pregnancy because I never want to be counted among the uneducated masses who simply listens to a professional because, well, they’re a professional.  I have my own rights and decisions, and must do my “due diligence” to learn what I can. But somehow it’s never enough because I must give myself over to God’s grace. I know this. I must give my struggle for control over the unknown to Him, because He is my caring father. He is my provider. He is our savior. See, I do realize I’m struggling with control. ;) I’m not totally in the closet with that, but not totally out either. Ha.

When you’ve educated yourself, prayed hard, and consulted trusted friends…yet cannot seem to get to a good peace of mind, where do you turn?

That’s why distraction has been the name of the game. Modern Family-aholics right here.  Art projects.  House projects. Taking long walks. Shopping. Stocking up on food. Watching paint dry.. okay, not that one, I was just seeing if you made it through this rambling post. :)

If you have a moment, friends, I could use your prayers. Much love.

-M

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Jan 19 2012
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Conscientious, Education, Environment, Family, Mommyhood, Value

Au Naturale / 23.5 week update


When I make something for myself, from scratch, it’s a lovely thing to me. It’s something crafted and created, something that took a bit more effort, and that I know well enough to describe the process. So it goes with nearly everything hand done for me: a craft, like crocheting (which I’ve been meaning to do some of lately, for our little guy), or the few handmade gifts I made for loved ones this Christmas (a coupon book for the hubby, filled with items he loved!, & a memory jar each for my parents–filled with thoughts about them, memories I remember, and things I’m thankful they did for me over the course of my life), I get a thrill from making it myself. Some of the best gifts, such as a bunch of photos that my MIL gave me–of Troy when he was a kid and a few of him as a baby–are those that take much more thought than cash.

So… I have ventured out into the unknown territory, into the land of legitimate accusations of “Earth Mama.” And I’m pretty proud of it now. I enjoy making things personally, mixing them up, and then using them. And what a marvel–(I made toothpaste, deodorant, and laundry detergent from natural crap-free ingredients!) when you start discovering that things you buy at the store do not have to mysteriously be made in some far off place, you can actually make them yourself! It gives me the giggles. The only downfall of this process is that it’s not a given that these items will work for you, or that you will get the right mixture on the first try of creating the recipe: my bout with “natural” shampoo only lasted two days, and I couldn’t stand it. They say that your hair will adjust eventually–but I felt like a greaser! Maybe another time when nobody has to see me in public for a very long time. Haha.

During this time of my life, I’ve been trying to focus on the true important aspects of who I am and who I want to be as a momma–what I need to do in order to make our house a home I’d like to raise my child in, and what I need to be educated about. We pray for our little one, his development and his soul, on a regular basis, and this type of preparation has been so important. It’s also been REALLY fabulous to not have to work right now (thank the LORD for His provision) and to have a month and a half off from school. I can research so many things about pregnancy and childbirth, rest, visit with friends I haven’t seen in ages during this special time, do tons of things around our home, and generally begin to reshape my life mindset towards a “family” instead of a fun 20something married couple (not that we won’t STILL be that–but things will admittedly be different). Here at 23.5 weeks (this coming Sunday marks the 24th week! Woo!) things are feeling pretty good still–I’m trying to stick with a regimen for working out so that my muscles, especially back and legs, are geared up and ready for the rigors of labor. I am preparing for an all natural birthing experience, utilizing a waterbirthing tub! I am completely thrilled. I’m so thankful I had a great lady help me understand more about the natural birthing processes–and that she helped me make an informed decision about what was best for me. One of the biggest pluses, in my eyes, for waterbirthing is that it is a pain relief method while going through natural birth, but it also mimics the natural state of my womb. Little man will not come into the world screaming and freezing in a sterile setting–he will be in a calm bath of water, and then placed directly on my chest. I hope his eyes are wide open and that he takes the world in. Oh I cannot wait. And I don’t have long!

My bod is definitely changing. I can tell my butt is bigger (oh well) and it is certainly more difficult to sleep and a few other unpleasantries. I was talking to my hubs about these things, and he said sadly, he was pretty sure my midwife would tell me it’s all part of the territory. The man speaks the truth. So for me, those unpleasant symptoms have mostly been lower/mid back pain and some weird muscle pains/spasms in my ribs these days (thankful for muscle rub stuff, a massage chair, and a hubby who will massage me!), but if you consider the miracle it is that my body can even DO what it’s doing, I’d say things are still going pretty swell.

Speaking of swell, I’ve so far got no swelling in my hands and feet.. and I really hope that will keep up. Small steps! I’m just wanting this to be a healthy, natural, peaceful birth. No interventions and no unwanted medications. I had been wondering about cravings, because I hadn’t had any “I COULD EAT THE WORLD AND I WOULD NOT BE SATISFIED!” cravings yet in my pregnancy, but I got a few this week. Cheesecake. Mmm. I haven’t totally gone overboard ever, but I have eaten my fair share. Trying to have self control and enjoy food while making sure to be balanced too!

There’s my bump update, for you dear reader, and I hope that you’re well! Spring is nearly here (well, it’s closer than it has been) and the days are getting longer. Rejoice!

All my love,

-M

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Dec 29 2011
2 Comments
Conscientious, Education, Environment, Justice, Nutrition, Priorities

A Question for Consumers


We, as consumers, trust so many things to so many people! People we have yet to meet–people who govern, or sit on boards, or are simply the inventors of products–and of course, the people who set our own country’s standards at the FDA etc. People who may or may not have our good in mind when they sell us things–or may have their own greedy, and money-lusting endeavors in mind. I’m not hoping to do a broad generalization here, but I think it’s important to question it all when it comes to your own decisions and money.

I long for the old days. Yep–I long for sacred Amish crafting, creating, and building. Because when you build something yourself, when you’ve made it with your own two hands, all you have to trust is your own abilities–and you already know the process that went into crafting that particular item. You don’t have to think long about how you made a homemade pie, or worry that some stray ingredient somehow landed in there. Conversely, you DO have to think about the assembly line that put together your child’s crib–and whether that crib was sprayed with chemicals, dyes, preservatives, whatever… that could one day create an issue for your child’s developing and growing body. Scary, indeed, especially for a pregnant mama.

Why do we trust so much? I think the key to this question is convenience. We trust because its accessible. Kind of like gossip–if you heard the news yesterday, and you heard it from numerous sources, the story must be how it went down, right? Not always. I think the same is true for so many different things we buy–we figure, well, I can buy this here, and here.. and there. So it must be good. Or this line of thinking: Everyone else is buying this brand, or this kind, or whatever it is… so it must be the trusted way to do things. I like simple when it comes to what I’m buying. I want the thing to BE what it says it is. I like understandable. So when I go looking, I want to come to the facts pretty quickly–and I’m sometimes shocked when I analyze a “trusted” brand or “trusted” way of doing things… to discover the ingredients or process of creation are far less than appealing.

Let me dare you to do something, with me. Become a conscious consumer. Become aware–even though it isn’t the convenient thing. Think about how the cleaning/cooking/household products you buy impact the environment (when was the last time you heard about vinegar hurting wildlife? Or.. baking soda causing unnecessary deaths in China?), and in turn, how those products can impact your body and your childrens’ bodies. Are you educated about what you consume? Simple questions. But oh–such tough answers.

Here’s the ultimate dare: Take one product from your kitchen (oh, it could even be mac n’ cheese), then take one product from your bathroom (maybe your shampoo?), and lastly take one product from your basement or garage (wherever your store all of those tough-job manly items such as caulk, paint, car cleaners, etc.) and take it upon yourself to look through the list of ingredients. If you’re really brave, enter some of the longer “methy-alca-bla-bla-bla’s” that you can barely pronounce into your search engine and see what comes up. I doubt the answer will have you asking to have a platter served up of said ingredient once you learn what it really is. Anti-caking agents. Binding agents. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

The biggest problem I have with all of this is people who simply accept. “Well, they put it in there, so it must be there for something!” I’m all about holding big-money corporations to their promises–and to strict guidelines. Often, the only reason they put something in there is because it’s the CHEAP way to do it. And gain a huge return, monetarily, because of it. There have often been no longitudinal studies performed about so much of this (how the chemical additives, or simply cheap additives, in our food and other products affect our bodies long term)–why would you risk it if you have a proven, safe alternative in front of you? Wouldn’t it be so much nicer to simply avoid exposing yourself, and your loved ones, to chemicals if you could? You can. I can. It may take a little creative thinking, or a little time, or some energy, but you can. I’m committed. This isn’t just the crazy nature mama (which I also am, sometimes) speaking. It’s also just common sense, pure and simple. I only hope to think a little harder when smacking down some cash–”What am I really buying? Can I make this myself? Is this healthy?” Nobody is looking out for you, but You, on the consumer side of things.

-M

p.s.
If you’re looking for some good recipes to make your own products at home, I’ve gone searching and found a few cool recipes. Passionate Homemaking always has amazing stuff, check it out! http://www.passionatehomemaking.com.

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May 04 2011
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Appreciation, Conscientious, Education, reflection

What We Value


It seems like we value what’s soon to be, or what we are not yet able to possess.

I see that’s what I’ve done previously, and possibly presently as well.  Today in Psych Seminar, portfolio presentations were center stage.  Three presenters gave their stories in a professional manner, from a standpoint of what they had done in their time as a Psych major, and as a student.  The stories varied considerably, some included photos from trips studying abroad, others detailed their family support systems thoroughly.  Their showcases were clearly pieced together with time, love, and pride.

As I watched one woman inform us of her victories, and struggles, her highs and lows, I could not stop the feeling of awe that swept through my body.  It went from my head, and trickled into my heart, touching a place that may have been a bit hard.  You see–I have been longing, yearning to get out of college.  To be done.  As a Super Senior (which, if you don’t know, means I am doing more than the usual 4 years of time at an undergraduate institution) I have begrudgingly gone to class, skipped my classes from time to time, and pretty much skimmed by in some instances that my memory can recall.  Though I have done these things, I have not yet felt truly sorry about them–which I should.  So many, like my thankful colleague, feel that they may never have gone to college, were it not for God’s hand in things, or for a blessing by means of scholarship or family provision.

She is deeply thankful for the place she’s at in her life, and is going to pursue grad school!  I feel so proud for her.

This is a great example, and reminder to me, of truly valuing what I should.  Instead of being ungrateful that I can’t organize my home as much as I’d like to, or cook as often as I’d want, I need to be thankful for my education.  It’s a funny place I’m at–both wife and student, and employee.  I know that my roles are singularly important, in and of themselves, but it’s difficult to see that when I feel that I should live up to something more. That others will judge me because my home isn’t spic-n-span, and we don’t have a home cooked meal every night (though Troy’s been making some lovely pie lately!).  Or because there is dirty laundry on my bedroom floor.  This is a negative view, and I should rid myself of it, with God’s grace.  If others judge, that isn’t their place.  And… furthermore, my priorities must be elsewhere, if I’m going to get this diploma!

A beautiful time of life can be made ugly and disastrous, if compared to something that it will never be.  You can’t value a diamond if you are always criticizing it because it isn’t a pearl!  What?!  Why aren’t you iridescent and round?!  Why do you sparkle so!?  Don’t you think it’s absurd?  I do also.

I cannot compare this time of my life to any other, by saying, “Well, when I’m working more instead of going to school, I can help pay off those student loans!  I will be more valuable!”   I assure myself of my value, and of my worth in that manner, I guess. I’m sure my human condition will tire of the work world as well.  I will think myself toiling at work, wishing for the days when I was a learning, free-thinking student acting in the play of college.  I will think that role better than my new one.  So I must learn to be thankful, and content, in all things.

And with this, I can ask that God will show me, as he showed Paul, how to be content in all circumstances:

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Phil 4: 12-13

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Feb 11 2011
3 Comments
Conscientious, Marriage, Motivation, Priorities, Relationships

Thoughts: Tiger Mother Vs. Unschooling Mother Vs. ?


First: A Quick Celebratory Note!  This blog passed up the 1,000 views mark, and I’m excited about it!
Thanks to anyone who reads, you make me blush.

Unfortunately, I’m home sick.  Since yesterday, I’m stuck lying around in bed, sleeping periodically–yuck.  Just what I wanted, when the weather finally seems to be coming out of the deep ice-age!  So anyhow… No need to feel too sad for me: with my conscious sickbed time, I’ve been reading some pretty sweet new blogs on a new, interesting site called Seeded Buzz.  The site allows you to browse categorically, and so it wasn’t difficult to quickly find some meaty stuff that piqued my interest.  They specifically fine-tune the site to get interesting blogs that people WANT to read.  Nice.  My favorite new blog, of the moment, is Organically Inclined.  The content she features is top-notch, readable, funny, and life applicable when you’re concerned with being a sustainable family.  Her wit is astounding.  Her life story is unbelievable.  She’s also written a stash of books.  Wowza.

So my inspiration sprouted from her post on Unschooling her children, which I think is fabulous.  There are many aspects of parenting, but different styles affect everything.  I thought this nifty diagram would help you, humorously, envision the different influences of parenting styles, and how they affect children.  Funny, because of the complicated nature, but truthful nonetheless.


Ok–so the main idea of this post was inspired by one of the posts on Organically Inclined (by Michelle Kennedy Hogan).  Hopefully you’re following this trail of thoughts.   I’ve devoted a few moments of my time to pondering parenting (through my years studying Psych), and it’s certainly a hot-seat topic worth revving our engines for.  The plot of the parenthood story is not a boring one: many parents have to deal with kids who aren’t ordinary (Ha, Whatever the heck that means!), who have special needs for learning or growing or communicating; who have personalities that require specific attention of some kind (i.e. behavioral issues, special needs, social anxiety, exceptional intelligence, etc.), and it boils down to being a HUGE role for the shining parent star.

The cast in the story of raising a child is certainly not small, from what I have seen.  The character list of a child-rearing story consists of many players, (on every layer imaginable!) both wanted and unwanted, helping, or telling, the parent what they need to and SHOULD do for the best interest of their child!  Sound scary?  I think so.  Some of these individuals may be: Neighbors, Grandparents, Friends, Teachers, Other Parents, Psychologists, Social Workers, The Lunch Lady, The Librarian, and various other Random Social Figures (named and unnamed).  As you see, there are a lot of people trying to give the dish about being a parent.

Being Little Mrs. Newlywed, I’m only just beginning to understand the dynamics involved with this crazy little charade.  I’m excited about it, but I think it’s still a social game that you have to figure out.  I do know that there will always be extremes, and I probably don’t want to be either of them.  One extreme I never want to become is this:  Amy Chua wrote a book called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” which I first heard about on NPR.  They were introducing the story, in an interesting light, by saying how harsh, yet funny, Chua’s books was.  It’s all about the “Chinese Way” of parenting.  It’s controversial, it is borderline insanity, and in the U.S. I’m sure any onlookers would be calling DCFS faster than the perpetrating parent can drag their child to the car.  Harshness is certainly not my cup of parenting tea.  I would rather my kids have, more-or-less free will, fail when necessary, and realize their failures in life on their own (with me offering guidance)..than lord over them with a strict, hitler-like regime of educational strictness and strivings after success.  Bad as all of this seems to me, (horrible!) I still can’t wait to grab a copy from the library and check out this style of hard parenting in its entirety, for myself.


On another wavelength entirely, we have The Unschooling Parent.  The unschooling parent seems to allow her children to thrive the way they are, how they want to, when and where they want to.  As I read this aforementioned article, my heart fluttered happily with visions of hippie flowers and rainbows.  Ok.. maybe that was the Nyquil.  This is the kind of parenting dreams are made of.  This is more along the lines of how I envision myself.  It’s more of an extreme than a lot of parents (but there are a lot of categories of these extremes) towards children being responsible, parents allowing them to crash if need be,  and allowing kids to pursue their passions.  Michelle offers up interesting insight about her kids, and how she handled situations with them… plus the fact that you don’t need to sweat over your kids ACT scores, and other “measures of success.”  I couldn’t agree more, and these are some interesting things to think about.

So what exactly do I want to do when I’m a parent?  Well, first off, I have to acknowledge that it’s impossible for me to be and do everything I hope I will.  My dad has made that really, super, pristinely clear to me over the course of my teenage years, until present.  I would yell at him as a teen, “I’ll NEVER MAKE MY KIDS DO THIS!!!”  Or something along those lines.. and now, I look back and realize that I have no idea what I would do in my parents’ place.  Funny.  As a parent, I do know that I want to always give Unconditional Positive Regard.  I’ve thought long and hard, and I know this is the TOP priority for me.  No matter what.  If my kid comes out having purple hair, green toes, and pink lips… so be it. They will be beautiful and important and interesting to me.  I want to give that Agape kind of love, that I’ve only found in my relationship with Jesus.  Some other things?  I want to give my kids a chance to be who they are, without the heavy impressions of gender stereotypes. If I have a little boy, I want to read about Trains, Planes, and Automobiles… But I’ll still be reading him “Olivia”!!!  If I have a little girl, I’m not going to tell her she has to be a Mommy, and I’d really prefer to NOT give her a baby and a stroller when she’s 3 years old.  I know, I know… these things have become the norm… but I want to give my kids a chance to decide for themselves what they’re interested in, without all of society’s opinions deciding for them first.

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