A Captive Mind
Thinking of Life
Saving Turtles
Today, the hubby & I were driving back from a fairly nice (though so early it was rough) morning together for a baby appointment. We had lunch together, and just enjoyed each other’s company. As we neared home, things were good… when suddenly… “Was that a turtle?” He noticed a turtle making its small, slow way across the middle of the road. We looked with panic at one another, since we were on a busy road, and I declared, “Turn it around, baby, we have to save that turtle. Someone will hit it!” A few more moments of horror followed as we saw many trucks and cars speed our way (what were they thinking, driving the speed limit while a tiny turtle was on the road?!) and Troy even said, “Close your eyes… I don’t know if it’s even alive!”
Thankfully, we saw mister/miss turtle alive and well, but it gave us a good scare. Before we pulled over to the side of the road, we saw about four vehicles drive by–and the turtle was RIGHT between their tires. One vehicle swerving off a bit, and it would’ve been a goner.
Hubby put on our emergency lights. I waited in stunned anticipation–hoping we weren’t took late! I watched as he picked up the turtle, put it safely into a gulley on the other side of the road, and jumped back in our car. “And stay there, turtle!” Apparently the turtle hissed as he was lifted out of danger and into a soft bed of grass.
I’m thankful. We had an adventure, and saved a little life. What could be better?
-M
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Education Can Nurture Creativity
As a storm decided to roll into view through my dining room windows, I decided to cuddled up on the couch and watch this fascinating TED talk:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html
It is so encouraging. I watched eagerly, and my heart filled with the joy that is new learning, fascinating angles to see the world from, and new possibilities for the future. One of the things I love to think about when it comes to God is His creative nature. How that is seen everywhere, in nearly everything if you allow it to be. I see it most often in kids that I interact with. Children are meant to be educated in a way that is kind to their natural inclinations. Our education system, so sadly, often pushes children into a big wooden crate, filled with only a few subjects available for study, and nails the lid on to trap them. The children must then pick and choose from a meager offering of “acceptable” interests and courses, which in turn smoosh out their minds’ curiosities. Thankfully, my parents helped to expose me to a lot of things during my life: music, culture, and we were blessed to travel–these opportunities nurtured many of the interests I still hold dear as an adult. But I can’t say that my education in the U.S. did the same. Boring worksheets… homework assignments for the sake of homework… and tests that didn’t truly measure any kind of development bombarded my schooldays. I remember thinking at an early age (9, maybe?) “This seems so pointless…”
This video shows there is so much more. It’s hilarious, it’s inspirational, it’s true. Our educational system needs to get up to speed with the way the world is now, not how it was 50 years ago. Artists, thinkers, creators, the active minds–these are the people who will solve our looming real world problems. Take a minute to watch it–I promise you won’t be disappointed.
-M
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Decisions, decisions
Hello again, here I am again. Pouring my thoughts like so many bright colors of oozing paint onto a blank canvas, then stepping back to see what will come of it. This canvas has a LOT of paint on it… let me tell you– this post contains a bit of of birth jargon and fun medical mumbo-jumbo. You have been warned. : )
These days have been about distraction, lest we allow ourselves to succumb to madness: Distraction from myself and my headful of thoughts–there’s so much at the end here that’s happening! From this neverending yet certainly ending soon–pregnancy. Distraction from people who mostly, probably, certainly mean well but who occasionally make my head hurt with questions, demands, etc. questioning my ability to be a mother and birth properly.. Hmph…. Distraction from the decisions we will have to make shortly. You see what I’m getting at, I’m sure.
Here are a few upcoming decisions for the Irvins, just to name some: circumcision (ugh, such a hard choice! The AAP is so non-committal about all of it, and most people I talk to base their reason for circumcising on what their husband had done, or what they think is normal… which is all well and good to take into account, but not a solid reason for us to allow a medical procedure, which is irreversible, to be performed on our son… ), medical interventions (to induce, to wait it out…. the pros, the cons?) changing my mind or sticking to our original plan (we’re scheduled to begin induction with Cervidil on Tuesday, but depending on how far along things are, we may call it off).
Everything happened in a flash… We were taken by surprise at my last appointment when we found that I am only at 1 cm dilated, which is where I was at 36 weeks, and a little more than 50% effaced. This is astounding, but there’s nothing I can do to help it along. I’ve been taking all of the things my midwife has given me, Evening Primrose, a special “Labor Induce” tincture, etc… but my body is doing what it’s doing. I will be at 41 weeks tomorrow, and my body is not showing signs of labor. That doesn’t mean it’s not going to go into labor though! But we were sitting there last week, discussing so many ifs, ands, whens… and suddenly we had made an appointment for a tentative.. induction…. That word makes me freak out. I hate it. It makes me feel like I’m going in to have my nails painted because I can. There are lots of inductions, I know, and some more gentle or natural than others, but I just never imagined I’d be here. I guess this is where the advice to “prepare for the unexpected” comes in–so I’m trying to keep my cool and just trust God to know what’s going down, even when I totally don’t.
As of now I am torn, and here’s my predicament: I want as natural a birth as possible–the first medical intervention that occurs leaves many more opportunities for further intervention. Example: Cervidil, the artificial prostaglandin that I may be administered, may (or may not) create contractions that really, really hurt (along with ripening my cervix)… just like Pitocin (an artifical form of oxytocin), and which can put the baby under distress. If contractions get too strong, which they often do with artificial means, the baby does not handle them well and the heart rate may become abnormal.
This process may (so many mights or might-nots!) put me through so much pain that I need pain relief drugs, a narcotic (a nubain cocktail is what my midwife usually uses) or an epidural (my absolute LAST resort, absolutely…) Then… if contractions continue to be very strong, the baby could be critically distressed and –BAM–that’s how the majority of C-Sections happen for mamas and babies… not something I ever want to happen. In fact, my worst nightmare. Of course I know I’ll likely be okay if these things happen, but I really don’t want them to. But, I also see that there are extenuating circumstances. When the baby is at all at risk, all of my natural birth hopes go down the crapper. Nothing is more important than getting baby A here, safely. But there are such toss-ups! I firmly believe that science and OB’s know hardly anything about a pregnant woman’s body. They know hardly anything about pregnancy and what’s “normal.” There IS no normal–but everyone wants to label things in a certain range… humans love to do that for some reason.
Anyhow, I realize I still didn’t get down to what the real toss-up decision is here! Here it is: My body could still spontaneously go into labor, even after another week of being pregnant. At 42 weeks and 2 days I could pop him out! But… there are a lot of risks involved after 41 weeks, many professionals say. The placenta is not meant to last forever, and after 41 weeks it seems to fair more poorly in functioning. The baby has more risk of passing meconium (its first little baby poop) which can be inhaled and cause problems breathing where it must be sucked out of the lungs. Ahem. See what I mean?
There’s also another factor hubs & I have had to consider: I need my midwife. She will not be available certain days and I do not think that’s a good reason for me to do an “elective induction” as this would be called, but I also don’t trust the other providers. The two doctors aren’t really natural-birth minded at all, and the other midwife just didn’t seem to mesh with my personality. My midwife is so calm, so collected. She’s like a gentle giant who I trust with my life. So I really want her there at my baby’s delivery if at all possible. But is this the best thing for my baby? Is this the best thing for my body? God designed it to work properly and there’s no reason it can’t. I’m healthy, baby’s healthy, and yet it’s quite a stab in the dark wondering where the risk increases.
(insert big huge sigh) I need God’s guidance. I need His peace more than anything. I’ve been asking, and there are moments of restfulness when I feel completely confident that we will know what to do when it comes time. But then there are moments of intense panic when I worry that something bad will happen.
I know that I am more educated than many women my age who have labored, and I’m not saying that out of pride–it’s the truth. I was interested in the medicalization of childbirth in America, and the birth process in general, before I was pregnant, so I knew a few things, but I really dove in during pregnancy because I never want to be counted among the uneducated masses who simply listens to a professional because, well, they’re a professional. I have my own rights and decisions, and must do my “due diligence” to learn what I can. But somehow it’s never enough because I must give myself over to God’s grace. I know this. I must give my struggle for control over the unknown to Him, because He is my caring father. He is my provider. He is our savior. See, I do realize I’m struggling with control. 
I’m not totally in the closet with that, but not totally out either. Ha.
When you’ve educated yourself, prayed hard, and consulted trusted friends…yet cannot seem to get to a good peace of mind, where do you turn?
That’s why distraction has been the name of the game. Modern Family-aholics right here. Art projects. House projects. Taking long walks. Shopping. Stocking up on food. Watching paint dry.. okay, not that one, I was just seeing if you made it through this rambling post. 
If you have a moment, friends, I could use your prayers. Much love.
-M
40 weeks and 2 days
It’s hilarious–it’s very funny–it tickles me… when people ask me when I’m due now. I love seeing the reaction spread across their face like ripples across a little pond. First they seem slightly surprised, and then downright shocked. Now that I’m past my due date, it feels like the pressure’s off! And all those people who ask are just so taken off guard. It’s fun. Doesn’t mean I’m no longer anxious, but it makes the waiting game a little less.. intimidating.
I thought for sure this baby was going to be early! Looks like I’m in the same boat with all of those other first-timers who go past their dates! Things are crazy…. we’re going a little insane. We’re letting go of what we think is important, and just living day-to-day trying to anticipate the next bend in the road, with God’s grace & guidance. I’m learning that this ENTIRE journey is all about trying to keep my eyes on Him, remembering that I am not the controller of the universe, though I think I am at times. Nope, this little guy is coming when God wants him to! And apparently that is not last night, today, or this evening. I thought I was in labor last night–early labor. Nope. Went to sleep and woke up completely contraction-less. Frustrating. All in all, it truly does feel like this baby will never get here. I know it’s just a season, and I am trying to relish these kicks and rolls I feel often, but still…. I want my baby here now!
A comfort that God gave me recently–I have been reading like a maniac to keep my mind off of my belly (and my aching feet, tingling numb hands, etc.) and last night the character in my book read Psalm 139: 13-16. I paused as I read and it took my breath away. He knows my little one. He knows my baby far better than I ever will, and do now. He wrote the book of my child’s life, already. Everything that is happening is not an accident, and God already knew about it. How amazing that there are no surprises for my Father.
Anyhow, tonight a sweet friend wrote on my Facebook wall that exact same verse. Interesting how God reassures us, right? How He loves us. How He pursues us even in the midst of our frantic, self-seeking daily struggles.
Thank you God, for your love!!! Thank you all for your prayers and care. It’s meant a lot to know there are so many thinking about and praying for us.
-M
39 weeks 1 day
There’s a lot going down.
And up. And out. My belly, particularly. This remarkable mass of life that is growing and stretching and forming our little one. It’s a miracle. I feel it can get no larger–and then it shockingly does!
The surprising news of the hour is that the due date I’ve been carrying around with me in my head (the 18th) for about 8 months, is not the due date my midwife has been going by! Alas, how could I be so mistaken, you ask? Who knows. Confusion, mix-up, etc. I don’t blame myself too much since they changed my due date about three times, but it’s pretty funny. A day that truly matters so little (just an estimate) means so much! It is what every person asks you (who doesn’t know you) immediately when they see your huge, protruding abdomen. Yes, it gets annoying to keep starting dead-end conversations with that date. There’s really nothing much to follow up with other than, “Yeah, it’s really exciting.” Yet you have no idea when it will happen!!! But this new revelation means that he may come sooner than I had expected. Woah!!!
So anyhow–Our due date is actually Mother’s Day! I wonder if it will really happen then? The magazines, online articles, and books all say it probably won’t, most often, occur on THE day, but within 10 or so days, before or after. This waiting game is truly driving hubby & I insane, though we are trying to use it to its capacity: fixing a LOT of things up, trying to get in some time together, and praying that God will guide us through these next weeks as only He can. We have to say it is scary. I don’t want to call it that, but it is. It is exciting and terrifying and awe-inspiring all wrapped together in a mush of emotion. Emotion that hits you smack in the face when you least expect it–by any little thing at all. I’ve done a lot over my entire pregnancy to try to reverse the “scare-factor” that our society dearly loves instilling in young women, when it comes to labor. I have read, I have discussed, I have repeated to myself positive affirmations about my body and God’s strength. But the fear of labor is still lingering of course. It’s something I’ve never experienced and I can’t even compare any life experience to it. Fear is a normal reaction, unfortunately. Pray for me, friend.
This little boy has shaped our world–made me wonder who I want to be. Made me think twice about my decisions, my ideas, the things I’m living and fighting for. It’s amazing and so, so BIG.
Also, hormones have been raging, as they tend to do, within me–and I can tell at least SOMETHING is going on with my body… but I feel about as close to labor as I was ten weeks ago. The last contractions I had were about 2 weeks ago, and each time my midwife asks if I’ve had any I feel a little sad. But perhaps my labor will just be dramatic, and happen all of a sudden! That will make it very, very real. Very crazy. But I almost prefer it to something that happens slowly over time, and gradually. I’m ready for this. I’ve prepared so much, and whats more, my God is taking care of me.
I am so ready to meet this baby! I am so ready to hold him, to kiss his sweet face, to gaze at his tiny fingers and toes. I am so ready to be even more stunned by the creation God has given to us–by this process of growing and living and dying that we are all involved with. I think that having a son is going to challenge us, please us, hurt us, excite us, and make us laugh uncontrollably, as well. This is just the very start.
So little guy, When are you coming?!!!!!!?? Can you tell I’m a little bit of a spaz these days? 8)
Small Things
I’m sure you’re wondering what we’re up to at the Irvin home: lots, lots, and more. Nesting, preparing, renovating, and trying to throw some good times in there as we do it all. It’s been a time of growth, of reflection, and of change for us as a couple. We’re turning into a family–day by day. Here are some recent photos from our life:
We’ve had some fun lately–prepping for baby is hard work, so we’ve gotta take some breaks once in awhile. I love this Small Paul bib that one of our friends, Sarah, bought for our little A. I think it will be cute on him, but it’s hilarious on her! The set came with a rocker bib, an astronaut bib, and a cowboy bib. So funny and very cute. I’ve been taking as many photos of Gabby as I can–she’s going to find a new home very soon, and I will miss her. Our home just isn’t really the right place for her, with dogs running around and a new baby coming. She likes attention and we’ll be thankful to know when she’s found the perfect place.
About a month ago, we were able to foster this little guy, Toby. He was destined to be euthanized, so we took him in. It was an adventure to say the least! A test of patience–especially when he tore up newborn diapers and added to the general chaos of everything–but he was also a cuddly, sweet little addition to our everyday lives. We’re thankful we could do it, and now he’s got a new home with Troy’s brother! So happy he’s still alive and well, bringing joy with sloppy licks and cute faces. I wish fewer sweet babies had to go through what he did.
We’ve been working very hard on getting A’s room ready for his arrival, and did a little photo shoot together after the walls were completed. Painting was a lot more of a process than I would’ve imagined–our friends helped us do a lot of the prep work and priming, and then we painted the walls “Flagstone Gray” together. Fun, yet tiring work. At least painting is a pretty instantly-gratifying experience. Unlike some things you do to keep a home up. Anyhow, this shoot was loads of fun. Hubby does a great job with being patient and having creative ideas to contribute when I want to capture my belly. At 35 weeks, it’s pretty large now. And it will only continue to grow!
I was able to do a super fun photo shoot for a couple I know–and this was my favorite pick from the day. I loved the chemistry that they have, and the smiles and expressions I got to capture. To top it all off, we had perfect springtime weather.
Troy has been working super hard–aside from all the paint work we needed to do, the closet had to be completely redone! He did this in a matter of a few days, and it looks perfect. Can’t wait until it’s got some coats of paint, shelves, hangers, and tiny clothing inside!
And as a surprise one evening, I was feeling all nesty and baked Troy a cherry pie. His favorite.
Until next time, I hope you are filled with joy & making the most of what you’ve been given.
<3 M
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On Bumps
I’ve needed a bit of a break from journalistic-style writing, (though I’m very happy to have my new job!) to allow my brain to rejoice in its ability to create for a bit. So here we go, a fun little jaunt.
Bumps are a curious thing. Have you noticed how taboo they can be? How mysterious? Some walk past you, and they eye your bump. You know they’re looking at you, but they aren’t quite. It’s like that feeling you get when you might have something stray on your face, like a piece of food, and you can tell a person isn’t paying attention when you talk. Your bump has a life of its own, it gets attention aside from you as a person. It is its own entity. Some of these things are a wonderful part of being “with bump.” Others are absurd, such as some men’s ability to treat the bump as though it were the plague. I feel sorry for some of them because it seems society has never educated them about the proper way to treat a woman with a bump: exactly as you would treat other individuals, with courtesy, respect, and perhaps space–if you do not know them.
It is a strange place to find oneself: with a very large bump. When crossing the street, you may get extra attention. It’s occasionally nice, but also crappy when someone makes an extra effort to stop for a long time to let you pass. You feel somewhat inadequate in some way. If you are picking up a garbage can from the curb or bringing a recycling bin back in from collection you might get strange looks. This is the problem with bumps sometimes: some women can do many things that they used to do, or that any other people can do–just with perhaps a little maneuvering or careful balance. Others will be unable to do many things they once did for a long while, and it is hard to know which woman will be able to do what. I say, if a woman is trying to do something and looks like she’s fairing quite well even with the bump making it a little difficult, maybe she wants to feel capable. I know I have. I don’t want to feel disabled at any stage, and usually only want my husband to help me if I truly need it. Maybe I’m being stubborn also, of course. But I’ve tried to maintain a sense of strength throughout my pregnancy. Tried to keep up, while still putting my feet up when necessary.
With this, I am saying, the days of pregnant women having to put a hold on their lives, not exercise, not take part in many things, are over. There are exceptions, of course (like in the few weeks before labor! Who knows what anyone is capable of then) but I never want to be the woman who is pitied. My body is extra strong because it is taking on this challenge. It’s something to be marveled at, not something to be looked down on.
My hope is that women will see others, like myself, who are striving for strength and capable of doing many things, and feel empowered. God’s created something amazing in a pregnant body, in its ability to be shaped and molded to create a new life, to change its form–and these are not disabilities. Also, I feel that more women should speak up if strangers, particularly, or family and friends make them uncomfortable because of their warnings or questionings. “Should you be doing that?” or “Here, you need to go sit down,” can honestly be condescending. With grace and with tact, one can express how others are making you feel. It isn’t always easy to get this balance spot on, and sometimes you have to simply hold your tongue, but more and more pregnancy is becoming less of an oddity and more of a beautiful, celebrated thing. We can keep this progress going by being open and honest!
Another thing that may have evolved a little for me recently is the whole bump touching phenomenon. It happens everywhere. If I lived in a city, I may have to wear a shirt that says, “Please, DON’T TOUCH.” I was recently at my college campus, and I haven’t been there for a long time, but I felt differently having people touch my belly there than I ever had. I felt beautiful. I felt respected and honored to be the bearer of life. In other instances, such as shopping in a thriftstore, I had felt invaded, disgusted that other people thought they could just touch my body, and a bit outraged. Now, I think I see that people just want to be a part of this life-creating exprerience. Which is cool. But it doesn’t change my view on random strangers touching me. It’s still uber inappropriate. I am thankful, however, that times have changed and women no longer feel socially obligated to hide their bellies or wear moomoo-like outfits. I wear my spandex tank tops loud and proud!!!
These have been some of my bumpy thoughts lately. Interesting? Ever-changing? What are your encounters with the bump?
-M
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Closer: 31 Weeks
This photo is from our belly shoot, done by a lovely and talented woman we know from our community at church. It was such a fun time. I felt so beautiful, thinking about our little blossoming baby growing inside me. I now feel so, so, so much bigger than I was in this photo! Tonight an old man at wal-mart loudly exclaimed “Big Ol’ Belly!” as I walked past–it took everything I had (and thank goodness that my loving, gracious husband was around and helped me walk away and take a breath) not to give him the death glare and tell him “No, ya think!!? YOU have a “BIG OL’ BELLY!”…(rolling eyes)” But this pleasant little wal-mart run-in at least confirmed my sneaking suspicions that I am indeed growing bigger by the minute. It’s a strange feeling having that happen in front of the whole world–something I wish more pregnant ladies would discuss. Just imagine if another visible part of our bodies expanded so much over the same amount of time–we’d all need to talk about it! But now that I’m experiencing it: it’s a strange mixture between being a publicly on-display freak at a circus show some of the time, and yet also feeling like a very celebrated and important individual when you walk into a room at other times. Depending on which room, I guess, and with whom. And as an ambassador and believer in Christ, it’s my job to balance my own pride and anger (who do they think they are, trying to touch my belly or talk to me about my pregnancy! They don’t even know me!) as well as infuse the grace and peace of the gospel into people’s lives as I interact with them on these… semi-touchy subjects. A woman’s body is her body, and I will not step back from telling strangers to please mind my personal space, but it can be done with love. I digress.
So, tomorrow. Tomorrow will herald the beginning of the 31st week, and from then it could be only seven, eight, or nine weeks until he’s here. Or more. Come on, full term!!–and not a second more… please? Of course, I realize I have no control over this at all. I’m just hoping that my labor will progress and not stall because of fear or tension, and I’ve taken measures to help that happen: learning to breathe, relaxation techniques, etc. Since I’ve dealt with stress issues my whole life, I feel I have prepared a lot in the past for this very thing in my pregnancy. Trying to do what I need to do to prep and open my body and mind to the idea of pushing this baby out into the world. What a task! What a job! But there’s nothing more natural in the wide, vast world. Of this I must remind myself, “You were born for this.” And I’m certain every step I take towards “Go Day” that my confidence is building up toward that idea. It’s not easy, but I’m sure when I finally look into his eyes with tears in my own, and stare at his perfectly formed little face, nothing else will resonate but this train of thoughts: “Wonderfully knit together within me. Intended for and gracefully crafted. Beautiful.” This child was no accident, and the more I think of him as a true, separate person from me, and not just a part of my body like he seems, the more I know it to be truth. He will have his own life, God has plans for him unique to him as an individual. So awesome.
He’s going to rock my world. He’s going to rock Troy’s. It’s happening already–but we’re ready for it, anticipating, and some real excitement is building.
By this point, our deep awe and surprise and disbelief that a tiny human could truly be growing within me has somewhat subsided, and real joy wrapped in much excitement has begun moving forward to take the stage. We lie in bed at night and go over the days event’s, realizing that it feels our days are blending together and going so quickly–we sit, sort of holding our breath, with our hands on my belly waiting for the next big kick from our little man. When he has the hiccups, I smile and rub him for a little hello. I daydream more often than I did at first about how he will be, how he will look when I first lay eyes on him.
We’re getting there. It’s coming closer. Through it all, I am trying to do my part, and also embrace what actually occurs. Not always easy, but something to work towards. We are beginning to do more to get the nursery ready, and perhaps there’s even light at the end of the tunnel. Much to be done, much has already been done, and much more will come in the future.
With all my love at 31 weeks,
-M
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Reminisce
Thinking back. It’s been over year and a half! Here’s to married life, happily. Our lives changed so much that day, and now in May they will once again evolve. It’s the process of our being, to move forward, to experience new, to let go of old ways and try to embrace that life will never stand still. When I analyze our faces in these photos–filled with emotion, hardly able to believe the day had finally come–I see how much we have already changed in just a little while. I wonder what will come next?
